A further statement from Pro-Vice-Chancellor for Education, Research, Sport, Commercial Outreach, Opportunism and On-Campus Betting Mr Grantham Capricorn.
On the off-chance that anyone was confused by yesterday's [admittedly rather long] communiqué, a summary of its main points is appended below:
1. We are CLOSED
2. Anyone and everyone associated with the University should BUGGER OFF HOME and STAY THERE*
3. The University remains open for INWARD monetary transactions ONLY
4. The Dutch Antilles are expensive [daiquiris are $12 a pop] and we ask alumni to consider seriously the welfare of those less fortunate than themselves - ie University
officers self-exiled here.
5. Anyone still wanting a degree should just take one until supplies run out [NB at the
current rate of exchange 1 BA Degree [First Class] = less than 3 sheets of toilet roll].
* Except for designated front-line financial officers.
Please, in no circumstances, attempt to contact any member of the University's Administrative Team. They are busy securing the financial future of the institution and any distraction from their priority focus could lead to long term systemic damage to our hard-won credit score. We will contact you in the event that we need to remind you of your financial obligations. Your patience at this time is much appreciated.
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And now can we just move on please [Ed]