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A Huge Mistake?

Amid a rising number of accusations of sleazy behaviour, the Dorset Broadcasting Corporation presenter currently “not under investigation” by the Royal Dorset Constabulary, has declined to name, shame, blame and defame himself on the grounds that any any admission of guilt might damage his six figure salary.

Hew and cry: the Sydling St Nicholas Sun is "on a mission"

Colleagues wrongly identified as the “person of interest” have been at pains to distance themselves from their colleague over the last few days and several have urged him to come clean and admit that he was the man who asked for explicit photos of “rudely shaped vegetables”. This, the latest "cash for photos" scandal to have rocked the already "quite rocky" DBC, is bringing it - in the words of one wrongly-accused over-paid radio presenter - "to its knees". Overnight, the unidentified broadcaster is alleged to have requested continued anonymity and any photographs people might have of broad-beans in the shape of Britney Spears [Surely Broccoli Spears [Ed]]. The "latest scandal to rock the DBC" [Sydling St Nicholas Sun Late Night Edition] began with revelations that a woman in her 80’s had been asked by the presenter to provide a polaroid of herself with an undressed salad in return for £12 - an act which, whilst not strictly illegal - was nonetheless described by vegetable protection officer Peabody Legge-Hulme as “shaming and unpleasant” for the vegetable involved.

The 91 year old presenter - who for many years has been an ever-present voice at Dorset’s news/current affairs/outdoor broadcasts - is understood to have been asked to “take the day off” whilst corporate executives decide what to do. Options include, doing nothing, playing golf, offering a salary rise and hoping it will all go away.

Yesterday a spokesperson for the Corporation speaking to a Corporation audience told a Corporation Reporter in answer to a Corporation question that the Corporation was caught between a rock and a hard place; navigating between the Scylla and Charybdis of privacy laws, due diligence, transparency, duty of care, corporate protectiveness, license-fee based immunity, mendacity, arrogance, institutional sclerosis, personal freedom, police non-interference and drinks with the presenter involved. [That’s more than two [Ed]].

Meanwhile, the Sydling St Nicholas Sun continues to publish accusations of wrong doing, citing a 15th person who has come forward with claims that the presenter “jumped on a bus, arrived at my house unannounced and demanded I show him a carrot shaped like a thingy I had recently posted on Thredigram”. The vegetable is believed to be of a legal age, suggesting no law was broken even though drink (tea) was taken. *

* Given the state of the Dorset omnibus service and its shockingly poor timetable this was no mean feat and could only have been undertaken by a man on a mission or someone with a strong compulsion or someone determined to "get their way". [Transport Ed in consultation with our Non-Criminal Psychology Correspondent]

There were no signs this morning that the crisis was moving towards any conclusion though DBC executives are understood to have arranged for a substantial delivery to HQ from Ron's Wholesale Vegetables in the hope of tempting the unidentified vegetable-lover to break cover.

What we know so far:

  • An older man is accused of paying people of legal age for pictures of oddly shaped vegetables

  • The DBC presenter has yet to be identified or to speak on the matter or exhibit his photos

  • 88 colleagues have currently joined the #notmeeitherguv support network

  • A second “vulnerable pensioner” has accused the man of possessing a polaroid of two lemons which viewed from the right angle look “uncannily like Pamela Anderson on a good day

  • A third person says she was approached at the Branscombe Fete and asked whether she had any pictures of swedes captured in compromising shapes/positions

  • A fourth person alleges he was contacted via a chat room and asked to send a photograph of himself holding a large "preferably buff" vegetable marrow

  • A prominent radio presenter Jermyn Grape has urged his unidentified non-criminal colleague to out himself and seek help thereby allowing others to explore vacant job opportunities at the DBC

  • 11 other people have alleged contact was made with them; several were offered cash for veg in an "unashamedly transactional fashion".

Two “Pamela Andersons” shaped a little like lemons.

Our Social Media Correspondent iVor iFown reports that #Ican’tbelieveit’snothim is currently trending on several worldwide interweb platforms

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