A Mathematical Certainty
CORONABYN VIRUS LATEST
Following Dorset Local Government advice that those aged-70 should self isolate for a period of at least 2 years, 94-year-old mathematician Al Jebra has extrapolated that figure and concluded that, at his age, he should not leave his house until 2044. Further, since his wife Jãio [nee Metry] is 90 and has significant underlying calculus-related conditions he has further concluded that she needs to self-isolate for at least 20 years.
Though the couple have long lived separate lives in the same home ["our correlation ended some time ago and our graphs have exhibited different trajectories ever since"] Mr Jebra, a cautious man, has decided that they should serve their sentences consecutively rather than concurrently meaning that the couple will not contact another living soul until 2064. "It's a conservative estimate and some might think a bleak prospect", their son Pi said today, "though we are confident they will get through it. Frankly, they have been living in their own worlds for decades now. Dad likes nothing more than to solve vigintiquinquic equations whilst mum does practical string theory using old balls of wool*. Provided they only bump into each other at Easter and Christmas they will be fine. We're not worried. They seem to have survived Drexit relatively unscathed so we're not overly concerned".
* Some of Mrs Jebra's more adventurous modelling has attracted attention as abstract art, whilst more concretely she has deployed string theory to make two very nice whicker-type shopping baskets and a Chinese wall between her and her husband [Ed]. The shopping baskets - which are unlikely to be used for 44 years are now available for purchase.
So will the Jebras have to rely on the goodwill of their neighbours for food and the like? "I hope not, they'd starve if they did; but luckily Dad bought a thrupiecediet make-it-at-home kit in the late 1960s and - in a house like theirs with a dusting regime best described as "rudimentary" - they will hold out for years."
Mr Jebra who once taught Pure Mathematics at Afpuddle University in the glory days [he resigned when, in a drive to attract more students and award more firsts, he was asked to teach a final year course on "difficult sums"] was also a member of the original thrupiecediet development team in charge of modelling fluff logistics. It was his work which, alongside the Professor's tireless experimentation, made full-blown commercialisation of the product a practical reality. No less an authority than Mrs Audrey Badminton-Court once described Al as "the mathematical brain that kept us numpties on the straight and narrow".
The University of Afpuddle's Pro-Vice-Chancellor for Education, Research, Sport, Commercial Outreach, Opportunism and On-Campus Betting Mr Grantham Capricorn described Mr Jebra's current situation as "sad but fitting", saying off-the-record that "It's an ill wind .... Coronabyn has finally achieved what most of my colleagues had been hoping for for years. Now we can teach intelligence-appropriate adding up without the constant carping of that old fart".