Predicting the outcome of the DHRA Executive Committee's General Election is never easy, with past outcomes - a regular clean sweep for the incumbent PM's* Remain in Office Party - no secure guide to the future. A major upset has been on the cards 3 times in the past 148 years and though it has never yet happened, a sweeping victory (or indeed any kind of victory) for any of the opposition parties cannot be ruled out**. Nor can current polling, which has consistently given Mrs Endersley-Kindersley's Remain in Office Party a double-digit lead, be relied upon to deliver the victory the television and radio media are working so hard to prevent. "It might look like a slam-dunk at the moment but your readers will remember Mrs Might's 29 point lead in 1876 [Unlikley [Ed]] and look what happened there." [For the record Mrs Might won.]
* The DHRA's Photocopying Monitor, Accessions Overseer and First Secretary of the Treasure Chest ["Worth £50 pounds!"]
** For details of all of the parties standing in the election send a sae to Who's Standing in the DHRA Executive Committee General Election, Box 33, Great Heaving, Dorset or visit [via the worldwide interweb portal of your choice] Who's Standing in the DHRA Executive Committee General Election website: www.whosestandinginthedhraexecitivecommitteegeneralelection.co.uk.
However, though neither Mr Jermyn Street [Official Opposition Party] nor Jo Swindon-Town-FootballKlubbe's Non-Liberal Non-Democratic Alliance has enjoyed much of a "bounce" following their respective "End to Posterity" and "Remain Out of Power Forever" manifesto launches, "it's not yet time to despair" says independent think tank "Endersely-Kindersley Out". "We have at least three weeks left to persuade people to our way of thinking and we certainly haven't given up yet".
Opinion Polls leading up to the 2019 elections in December have suggested not only significant volatility in the public's mind, but also some disparity in their views on the issues most at stake in this - perhaps the most important - election of our lifetimes. "Of course Drexit is in there", says polling expert, Professor Swing O'Meta of the University of Afpuddle's Psephology, Public Policy and Television Baking Competitions Unit, "given its impact on both purchasing and borrowing policy". "But so is funding for the NHS [Novelty Hats Section], Borrowing Fines, social ownership of shelving infrastructure, student loans [3 books simultaneously or 4?] and, of course, the perennial Hard v Soft covers issue. Though Mrs Endersely-Kindersley would appear to be way out front on all of these issues, it would still be a brave man [or woman, or non-binary eligible voter] who called this one at this stage."
So all may not yet be lost for Mr Jermyn Street the veteran leader of the opposition party, though Professor O'Meta says "Ms Swindon-Town-FootballKlubbe is f****d either which way". This is especially the case, pollsters believe, since Dorset Television's strictly neutral fact-checking system - which has called-out errors in Mrs Endersely-Kindersley statement on 33 occasions and "held Deputy PM Mrs Majorie-Marjorie's feet to the flames" seventeen times has yet, News Editor Di Sinfomashun says "to have the effect we are relying on".
So what should the man* in the street think at this stage in the campaign? "That's quite a hard question to answer at this stage", says Saville Rowe, presenter of Dorset Radio 4's "This Afternoon's Briefing with Saville Rowe" Showe. Mr Rowe, who is Jermyn Street's first cousin, went on to add: "we haven't quite decided yet but when we do we will tell them clearly, factually and independently to vote for hope, big-spending, free dial-up narrowband and Mr Street".
* an ancient and unsatisfactory expression implying an ordinary person of any race, creed, colour or gender; derogatory only in the sense that it implies unsophisticated, biddable and more likely to read the Sydling St Nicholas Sun than the slightly-left-of-Trotsky Goathill Guardian.