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Another Pile of Gobshite has learned from a report in the Sydling St Nicholas Sun that computers at the offices have been hacked and that highly sensitive memos and emails relating to the case of Sir Rising Crimewave and various apologies issued to him by staff at have come into the possession of Bonileaks the notorious online whistleblowers. No-one at was available to comment so we at the online PR digiportal have been forced to use sources close to the Sydling St Nicholas Sun to bring you this breaking story.

As It Happened

Recently, stories surrounding Sir Rising Crimewave as well as questions regarding his competence to continue to head the Royal Dorset Constabulary [as well as his alleged resemblance to the late great Raymond Francis star of TV's No Hiding Place] have been appearing on the website on a regular basis. Under pressure from the RDC as well as friends of Lady Crimewave's sister, the online newsfeed has been forced to issue a series of botched apologies each of which appears to have compounded rather than resolved the problem. We understand that yesterday's instalment was published with an unintended addendum in which the organisation's editor asked staff to ensure that no further legal cockups ensued from its final abject apology thereby ensuring that the latest abject apology was indeed the final one. ["Now that that bollocks is done with, can you check the final paragraph before we go live: Might "In these enlightened times, age and mental impairment should be no barrier to carrying on in a post" be misinterpreted as meaning we think he's old and mentally impaired? Get the lawyers on it. We don't want to have to write another pile of gobshite tomorrow.]

The unintended inclusion of that internal "not for publication" memo seems to have ended any hopes that the row might dissipate any time soon.

According to The Sydling St Nicholas Sun's team of crack investigative reporters, a sharp exchange between's Editor and Subeditor led to a stormy meeting and an "agreement" to publish an even more grovellingly abject apology in later editions. It is further understood that the agreed text reads as follows

That Leaked Text

"It has come to our attention that, despite the best efforts of our ever-vigilant editor, an earlier unreserved apology issued on behalf of to Royal Dorset Constabulary chief Sir Rising Crimewave may inadvertently have compounded a previous offence and rendered nugatory the published retraction/apology previously issued by us by implying that he is too old and senile to fulfil the obligations of his post. Any such inference is to be deplored in the strongest terms. will not hesitate to root out, admonish and discipline by the harshest means available any malefactor, perpetrator, agent or conspirator found guilty of involvement in the commission of any offence - intended or unintended - against the reputation and/or corporeal entity that is the highly-esteemed personage of Sir Rising. We cannot condemn, other than in the strongest terms available, any departure from the highest standards of journalism which have always striven to ensure characterises the work and output of all those who labour and write for our online digital-portal.

Whilst accepting that - in the judgement of some - a recent posting may have fallen short of these exacting standards, we hereby attest and assert that we are aware of no deliberate intention serially to offend or discomfort in any imaginable fashion Sir Rising and/or members of his force, entourage or family. If we have unintentionally done so, we apologise most sincerely and hope that this will put an end to the matter. Meanwhile, the sub-editor is entirely and single-handedly responsible for this entire mess and is well-aware of the corporate pile of ordure that awaits him.



But isn’t Crimewave just an incompetent old fart? [Final copy editor]

Oh for fuck’s sake, here we go again ... [Ed]


In what can only be regarded as a peculiar twist of fate, understands that, in order to identify the whistleblower and prevent further leaks, the proprietors of have asked for the whole matter to be handed over to the authorities. The Royal Dorset Constabulary's investigation will be headed by - you guessed it - Sir Rising Crimewave.

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