Arrested man is TOAST


Scene of the incident: it was this sign or one very like it which police insist Mr Fresco-Crapper ignored when deciding to act.
Scene of the incident: it was this sign or one very like it which police insist Mr Fresco-Crapper ignored when deciding to act.

A Dorset man travelling in the USA with TOAST - the "Thrupiece Opera Anniversary Sighteeing Tour" group was arrested today on suspicion of dumping in the woods. The 65 year-old man - identified by local police authorities in Connecticut as Al Fresco-Crapper of Charlton Marshall, Dorset, England - was said to have ignored clear notices warning against the activity and to have "wantonly, knowingly and recklessly pursued his personal business regardless of the prohibitions in place and apparently oblivious to the serious consequences".


Speaking in his own defence, Mr Fresco-Crapper said that he hoped it would be accepted in mitigation [a] that he had misread the sign and believed that it referred to humping - something Mrs Fresco-Crapper would never allow him to do even in the privacy of his own home let alone in the woods and [b] that on the off-chance that he had read the sign properly, it should be understood that in England "dumping" referred to the act of fly-tipping not fly-opening preparatory to an evacuative event. This was also something which, lacking the requisite old fridge, used tyres or a rusting Waitaminute shopping trolley, he had most certainly not done immediately prior to his arrest.

Lawyers for Mr Fresco-Crapper are said to be likely to argue that their client was behaving in a responsible manner having been heavily influenced by - and fully cognisant of - the ethics of outdoor evacuation thanks to his familiarity with  Professor Brian's Thrupiece's book on the subject.
Lawyers for Mr Fresco-Crapper are said to be likely to argue that their client was behaving in a responsible manner having been heavily influenced by - and fully cognisant of - the ethics of outdoor evacuation thanks to his familiarity with Professor Brian's Thrupiece's book on the subject.

A spokesperson for the Connecticut police said that the whole matter was currently the subject of detailed forensic investigation and that pending the outcome of further analysis on "an object of biological interest recovered at the scene", they would be issuing no further statements.


Evacuant analysis expert Fey Seas says matching a given piece of evidence to a specific "point of origin" is no straightforward task and suggested that - unlike Mr Fresco-Crapper himself - the Connecticut scientists might "have a hard time of it". "This is notoriously slippery stuff", she said "far from easy to handle and almost impossible to pin down."


In the meantime, the rest of the TOAST party were said to be taking the matter in their stride. "We hope Al's business will soon be cleared up and that we will be able to proceed with the tour without further delay" tour leader Francis de la Tour-Leeder said, "We certainly don't want any of his shit sticking to us." The group is scheduled to arrive in New York on Friday ahead of their visit to Broadway where they will see The Book of Moron, a show described as "right up Al's street".



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