Crossing A Threshold

Now that "the science" has shown that members of the Dorset public are more likely to die from a two-pronged caterpillar stampede than from CONTRIK-69 - a position this august publication has maintained from the "off" - several Dorset-based council-employees have been induced to return to their pre-pandemic duties. As a result, Bothenhampton Parks Department has now re-opened its rear pedestrian-only access gate [9am to 4pm weekdays, 10am to 3pm Saturdays and Sundays], whilst Hampreston's warden-controlled primary school crossing point will be in use, on an experimental basis, on Sundays when the school itself is closed.

Bothenhampton Parks Department's rear pedestrian-only access gate. A recently de-furloughed employee stands in wait for any vulnerable children.

"These may seem to some baby steps", says Kushee Numba, Hampreston's £84,000 pa Warden-controlled Primary School Crossing Point Administrator [that's about £42,000 per warden-controlled primary school crossing in normal circumstances but currently £84,000 per warden-controlled primary school crossing given that one is closed indefinitely], "but at least it's a baby step in the right direction. With careful evaluation and planning protocols already in place we hope to open the second warden-controlled primary school crossing in 2021 or 2022 at the latest - possibly even when the children are actually at school".

So is this positive news a sign that things are finally getting back to normal? "The test of that" says social-influencer Alwys Riske-Averz is "whether the public confidence is there to support such a bold and untested initiative. Personally I doubt it. Entering a park by a gate which has been closed for nearly 6 months is a serious challenge and I'm not sure I would be up for it myself".

Stay at home mother of 16 Rar-Lee Offmebak agrees, "I don't know whether I'm more afear'd of the virus thingy, cars on the crossin' or me husband comin' home early cause things are slack with the picklin' ... but I know I'm afear'd of somethin' ... and with another little un on the way it ain't easy at the best of times ... but with things changin' again - well it just don't bear thinkin' on. Stop that right now Rosie you little bleeder".

HAPPIER TIMES: Hampreston's £12 per week Warden-controlled Primary School Crossing Point Operative Bernadette Lolli-Poppelaydee helps three of the older Onmebak children safely across the road.

However, Bothenhampton and Hampreston Metropolitan Council Officials have been quick to reassure the likes of Mrs Onmeback. "The moment there's the slightest excuse to do so, we will be closing everything again and getting back to the new normal. Hopefully there'll be another spike in asymptomatic non-fatal CONTRIK-69 very soon and we can all panic again. My colleagues in the Warden-controlled Primary School Crossing Point Administration Team are ever vigilant and, speaking personally, I hope I will soon be back in a position of drawing £84,000 per zero warden-controlled primary school crossings. It's that kind of thing that makes a job like mine so rewarding".