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Back to Skewl

As thousands of pupils prepare to return to school tomorrow the DDfE [Dorset Department for Education] has finally published details of the new curriculum to be followed by all schools and educational institutions [primary, secondary and sixth form colleges] from this September. Weeks in the making, the model educational programme aims to put right centuries of misconception, end the dangerous free-thinking experimentation of the late 20th- and early 21st-centuries and remodel pupils' sensibilities along more socially-acceptable lines.

After consulting widely with Teaching Unions, community leaders, civil rights activists, Distinction Rebellion leaders, left wing ideologues, Greta Thunderpants followers and Liberal Democratic Party representatives the DDfE has created a vibrant, modern and above all relevant curriculum which it believes all right thinking people* will welcome and pupils will follow with enthusiasm (like it or not).

* ie those who agree with us

Dismissed by dissenting and broadly discredited revisionist elements as “the worst mixture of woke, dirigiste and doctrinaire” the new syllabus was welcomed by Teaching Unions, community leaders, civil rights activists, Distinction Rebellion leaders, left wing ideologues, Greta Thunderpants followers and Liberal Democratic Party representatives as “a breath of fresh air and a positive step forward into the new post-CONTRIK-69 (Corbynarin virus) settlement of genetically-modified opportunities and selectively affirmative action".

Back to School and back to "normality". Pupils at St Track and Tracy Primary School, Piddletrenthide queue for their Lateral Flow Test

Speaking at the curriculum launch Minister for Re-education Josef Go-Bells-Trotskyatnite said he believed the Commission which had been "tasked with designing the new educational road map" had done an excellent job of balancing the need to tell pupils how they should think with the need for them to know only what they need to know. “In an information society where so many people are able to spread the wrong kind of knowledge it’s important that young minds learn to dicriminate between fact and opinion, to understand the dangers of the former when presented unfiltered as well as to learn to how to process, interpret and swallow whole any and all information coming to them from approved sources. Only by training our children to reject instinctively all unapproved opinion, to sing from the same socially, ethically and environmentally approved hymn sheet and to learn not to question officially received opinion can we hope to build the kind of society we want them to inherit. In this we are determined; to this we are committed; through this we will triumph. From this we will not resile. Never, never, never. Heil ... Helil ... Sieg Heil".

A spokesperson for the Minister later reported that he was "resting at home" and "in a more or less stable condition". No further bulletins will be issued.

That Daily Curriculum In full.

O6.00 - 09.10 Registration and Testing Certificate Check [pupils will be assigned individual times]

09.10- 15.00 Socially-Distanced Assembly [one at a time, pupils will be excused from the relevant lesson]

09.15-10.00 Lesson 1: RE: Trick and Trap, Vaccination and the moral necessity for house arrest

10.00-10.45 Lesson 2: Science: [i] the Mechanics of Lateral Flow [ii] the Biochemistry of PCR Testing

10.45-11.00 Break: Virtual Pilates (pupils stay at their desks in pre-assigned bubbles)

11.00-11.45 Lesson 3: Mathematics: modelling pandemics: probability theory and how to manipulate it [part of the "Let's make Better [for us] Policy" Initiative]

11.35-12.30 Lesson 4: PE [I] Taking a lateral flow test. How to swallow [females excused]

[II] Water-boarding [Recalcitrants only]

12-30-3.15 Lunch [ethically sourced vegan beetroot chips in an ethnically approved water-based sauce]

13.15-14.00 Lesson 5: History: when black lives didn’t matter and the arseholes responsible could do whatever they wanted [parents should not be concerned Payback comes in Lessons 2-230]

14.00-14.45 Lesson 6: English*: Non-white women Authors of Today

14.45 De-registration: Test results. Exclusion List Posting and individual naming and shaming [ethnic minorities excused]

*Please note schools will adopt the new Decolonised University of Afpuddle Curriculum [Pathway 5: "Dead White Men Carnt Rite Proper"]

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