Dorset's Chief Scientific Officer Professor Chris Halfe-Whitty has warned that the controversial post-CONTRIK-69 "freedoms" announced by the authorities recently "almost certainly go too far" and that, happily, the re-imposition of involuntary incarceration, house arrest and arbitrary punishments will be "back on the agenda" by August.
Speaking as the number of people receiving the 15th dose of the Snake-Oil Ltd vaccine has slowed dramatically [98.9% of the population has already had 14 doses - so work that out for yourself [Ed]] and the number of people being "pinged" by the Tick and Trap App rises exponentially [ditto [Ed]], he warned that the county was by no means "out of the woods" and would soon be "deep in the doo-doo" if remedial action to protect the DHS from patients is not taken immediately.
"The number of cases - and in some places the number of people controversially "wanting to see a doctor" or "seeking medical advice" is doubling daily", he warned, "from an average of 2 in June to almost 3.9 in July". "If this continues", he continued, "even more people will be hoping to see a doctor in August and this unsustainable - and frankly unreasonable - expectation will put an intolerable strain on healthcare employees who are just not used to engaging with patients in this way". He further warned that if GPs are expected to see sick people face-to-face and risk getting ill themselves "there will be a mass exodus of doctors from the service". "This isn't what they signed up for when they agreed new contracts* and frankly it's unfair in this day and age to expect medical staff to risk their own health just to keep others well".
*the DMA [a Dorset-based Trade Union] negotiated a revolutionary "don't see, don't cure, still get paid" clause into the new contract as their contribution to protecting the DHS long before the CONTRIK-69 proved how right they were to shy away from proper surgery hours. This progressive move was ridiculed by some at the time but has proven instrumental in protecting both GPs and their stipends from serious harm.
A spokesperson for the RDC welcomed the news that the police too may soon have their powers to "stop, assault, harrasss, detain and arrest" restored and felt certain that the general public would welcome the reversal and once again feel safe. "They will be reassured by the knowledge that the appallingly risky and stability-threatening freedoms recently announced are likely to be scrapped very soon" he said. "When people were cowering in their own homes and knew that any attempt to do anything more than make a cup of tea, fashion a sandwich from old carpeting and watch Norman Wisdom films was unlawful, they knew where they were. And when you know where you are you feel safe. It's human nature. We used to live in caves, too frightened to venture out and in this respect, thankfully, nothing much has changed. Only now our caves have Threadflix, which is just awesome. I suppose you might say its progress within the framework of a sustainable status quo. Funny how something as small as a virus can make us realise that it's the fundamentals of life - not the trappings - that matter. I mean who wants to go about their business unmolested and unchallenged? If that's to be the new norm, we might as well abolish the RDC and stay at home voluntarily".
EVEN MORE URGENT BREAKING CONTRIK-69 NEWS
Medical experts world wide have united in condemnation of the "murdurous steps" envisaged in the Dorset authorities' post-lockdown easing plan, arguing that many lives will be lost worldwide as a result. Singled out for particular infamy are the proposed changes from centigrade to fahrenheit and from the 12 hour to the 24 hour clock. "Amongst many other rash, inconsiderate and dangerously irresponsible proposals, changes to the way in which hand-washing water temperatures are measured and redundant press conferences scheduled are perhaps the most heinous", said Hampshire's Chief Medial Officer Letts Kee-Pemmin. "Now more than ever we need consistency, not post Drexit posturing by governments which in any sensible scenario would never have voted to leave in the first place". The West Country Uniion is 80 years old and "dying on its feet".