Baubles, Bungles and Bright Shiny Beads


It was bound to happen sooner or later. As the CONTRIK-69 bandwagon continues to roll, someone somewhere was going to register its image rights, exploit its commercial potential and use it to promote something or other. Human nature being what it is, CONTIK-69 was a seasonal campaign just waiting to happen.


Few eyebrows were raised today, then, as Waitaminute Supermarkets - the chain that gave us mince-pies in September, Easter Eggs in January and hot-cross buns in December - launched its Christmas accessories range which includes, for the first time, "decorative" [and in its Dearest" range "illuminated"] CONTRIK-69 Christmas baubles as a festive adornment for their usual quality seasonal tree range.


Waitaminute's Canford Cliff's store manager Inna Propriate expects them to be a runaway success suggesting that, once the news is out the baubles will "go viral" and nobody will be "immune". "They'll knock 'em dead", she suggested, not altogether appropriately, adding "young people will be particularly susceptible, but it's the old people who will probably hang on to them for longer".


A Waitaminute luxury range artificial conifer with festive CONTRIK-69 baubles. The golden finger comes as an optional extra and costs £45.

Modelled in high quality polyester-virusene, the baubles can survive washing, sanitizing and hand-to-hand transmission. Robust enough to withstand a two-metre socially distanced drop, the supermarket chain recommends, nonetheless, that they be handled with care since they are manufactured in China and have not yet passed all Dorset Electrical and Mechanical Safety Executive tests. The electrical ones - which automatically activate when someone passes with two metres* - are particularly dangerous, Health and Safety expert Helth-Anne Zaavty warned, "they might appear innocuous enough but if you come into close contact with them they can put you at serious risk". The effects of such proximity are said to include a loss of taste [aesthetic], a tendency to swallow the latest rumours and an inability to leave the house for up to 14 days. Side effects are rumoured to include a higher risk of being stormed by the RDC Elite Armoured Division whilst fast asleep as well as vulnerability to an arbitrary but lucrative £20,000 fine.


*1 metre if the person in question is wearing a Waitaminute-sourced festive mask.


Nevertheless, Waitaminute are confident that stocks will not last long as the CONTRIK-69 Christmas baubles "bug" takes hold. Disappointed customers are assured, however, that there is no reason for panic. "Once this lot have passed through there will be a second wave, and a third, and a fourth and a ... Put it this way, we still expect to be shifting these in July", Ms Inna Propriate said.

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