Updated: Mar 2, 2020
As a dentist I am often asked: what are teeth for and how can you charge £585 per minute to poke around in them?
The answer to the first question is easier [to digest] than the second. Teeth - or dentition - function to fill the space between the upper and lower jaws and to prevent the delicate soft tissue of the gums from rubbing together. They are - in effect - dental buffers. Once used for biting, chewing and clamping, these vestigial roles have been rendered more or less redundant by modern foodstuffs [eg the thrupiecediet] in the case of the first two and the near extinction of pipe-smoking [in the case of the third]. Surveys show that the average mature male now has 4.5 upper and 5.5 lower teeth - enough to crunch a Spangle or severely dent a pop-tart, but insufficient to justify the costs of maintenance. Researchers believe that soon teeth will join the tonsil and the appendix in becoming pointless anatomical remnants of our former evolutionary selves [see Cro-Motcombe Man] and that in future all babies will be born without them. "The wisdom tooth has shown the way", says leading practitioner Ortho Dontist, "it wisely gave up the ghost years ago - hence its name. As a dentist I am often asked what will I do then? A good question to which I have no immediate answer"
The answer to the second question is more difficult to explain and, frankly, I am not paid enough to write this column, to answer it. An answer can be secured via a private consultation which will be charged at £585 per minute [other charges may apply].
Are Uncle Joe's Mint Balls bad for my molars and will Perfect Gnasher win the 11.15 at Uttoxeter?