Blame It On The Bursar

St Bland's College, Cambridge's Ancient Heraldic Crest has recently fallen out of favour following a JCR motion to "disassociate from a shameful past".

Master elect of St Bland's College, Cambridge and former CEO of toxic chemical manufacturer ARM McGeddan - Sir Gene Eric - sparked controversy today when he clashed in the Governing Body with student officer Ms Ona Mesaj over the return of one of the College's treasures - the so-called Druid Stick. The stick which was given to the College in 1587 by its then Visitor - Lord Slavery [Baron Shackle of Mantrappe] - is, according to some an "embodiment of oppression, exploitation, appropriation and theft". "It should be returned immediately to the family of its original owner Druid Odin of Wode", Ms Masaj said. Though she conceded that tracing the family might be difficult at this distance in time, she nonetheless called on the College "to make every effort to wipe this stain from our blood-soaked brickwork and return this symbol of purity to its rightful owner".

St Bland's College, Cambridge's New Shield and motto, though lacking a certain gravitas, it is more in keeping both with a welcoming image and present-day student aspiration.

It was Woodrow Wilson who, when asked why academic politics were so vicious famously replied "because the stakes are so low" and that appears to be the case here; which may explain why the normally secretive and confidential affairs of St Bland's Governing Body have made it into the public domain. The affair follows on from similar troubles in other Oxbridge Colleges - St Fractious College's Catholic Reformation Nutcrackers, St Virtue the Signaller College's Jerusalem Menorah and Woodbine Hall's jewel-encrusted Coronation Cigarillo Box. St Bland's Bursar - former City analysts Stockson Bonds - defended the Master in robust terms - "He's only just arrived, has a private income and takes little in expenses. What more could a College want in the 21st century?" [All of its alumni's hard-earned cash. [Ed].]

Goathill Guardian journalist and Oxbridge critic Polly Teknik believes that campaigns to vilify inanimate objects whilst "admirable in and of themselves" yet betray the dying twitchings of a doomed system of privilege and elitism which is not only "rotten to the core" but "unfit for purpose in the 21st century". "In many ways this matters deeply", she suggest, "but in others not at all. With every attempt to play their equality, opportunity, and open access cards; with every headline-grabbing initiative to prove they are anti-discrimination of all kinds and with every apology for everything that ever happened, they just look more and more desperate, more and more out-of-touch and more and more stupid. As for the Master of St Bland's - who cares? He's irrelevant, his College is irrelevant and even his University is irrelevant. Nobody's listening to them anymore. They have become so ridiculous, they should just pack up and go home".

Druid with the Horn [St Bland's College, Cambridge Collection]. It might well be that a druid such as this was the original owner of the now highly tainted St Bland Druid's Stick. Note the female figure in the background practicing an early form of pilates.