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Brain Freeze

Following the dismal failure of Dorset's 15 tier traffic-light-indicated regionally and locally fine-tuned rapid-response lockdown prevention system [15TTLIRaLFTLRRPS], the entire Dorset region was placed into lock-down yesterday. The new provisions [stay at home, eat in if you have food, don't eat at all if you don't, speak to nobody, report your neighbours, sanitise your private parts, breathe only in separate rooms and don't blow bubbles] will apply, the RDC has confirmed, across the board from CONTRIK-69 "hot spots" [Chilfrome: 2 reported chest infections ["might be CONTRIK-69 might not we are awaiting [a] a reliable test, [b] a reliable antibody test [c] a vaccine, [d] a clue"], six month moving averaged death rate: 0.0000000000000004] to almost completely unaffected areas [Sutton Poyntz, 0 reported infections, , six month moving averaged death rate: 0].

From today every Dorset household will be under lock and key. "No-one's going anywhere and that's a weight off our mind and onto theirs" an RDC spokesperson said.

Defending the blanket action, RDC Chief Constable Sir Rising Crimewave [who has denied that he is considering a name change to Sir Rising Deathrate ["that would be ridiculous and would give a totally misleading impression"] said that it was the only way in which increased police powers of stop, search, take home and take over could be justified. "If we acted as we are doing under any other pretext the people would be rightfully appalled. As it is they remain confused, fearful and largely supine". "A small element of fear is good for a population and now that no-one in their right mind is remotely afraid of the virus, it's good that the police are stepping in to fill the vacuum", he said. "We may look like ordinary law-abiding citizens in our civvies, but when we have the full bio-hazard riot gear and weaponry strapped on we look amazingly frightening - especially when we burst through you front door as you watch Wallender ignorant of just how many rules you are breaking. A visit from us is a very short and sharp education I can tell you!".

Meanwhile, Dorset authorities have defended their action by saying that the need for a lockdown [which is expected to last 6 months] will only be fully understood in time: "when no one dies, no one gets ill, our hospitals are empty and a weekend in Corfu becomes a real possibility in the Summer of 2023". Together with the RDC, Dorset County Council has launched a simplified Campaign designed to make the new rules clear. "Lock-down your Brain" will, they hope be simple enough "for even the most idiotic CONTRIK-69 denier to understand".

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