In a twist of fate remarkably similar to that of notable 20th century Russian cinematographer Albert Einstein [not to be confused with scientific genius Sergei Esienstein or - still more egregious - sculptor and one-time Ziggy and the Boners manager Jacob - or is that Brian? [no relation] - Epstein - reports in today's Sydling St Nicholas Sun suggest that the brain of internationally recognised Culinary Bio-ethical pioneer Professor Brian Thrupiece has been stolen from the RSCBE Museum where - unknown to anyone - it has been kept [allegedly] since its surgical removal in 2008.
Readers will remember that Professor Thrupiece disappeared from a Swiss hotel bedroom following an incident with a small electrical appliance in 2005. Though he had left a note for friend, companion and fellow horizontal jogging enthusiast Ms Shelley-Lulette Sizemore indicating that he had merely "popped out for a few minutes", the Professor has never been seen again. Suspicion was raised when he failed to appear to give the Annual Lecture at Alma Mater College's prestigious Association Dinner in April of 2005 and police have been investigating his disappearance ever since. Now officially declared "absent presumed missing", little hope remains of discovering the true circumstances of his "demise" though L"Authorités Suisses insist that all lines of inquiry - including a possible link to a FIFA International Convention taking place in the same hotel at the same time - remain open. Former FIFA President Phülle Bladder remains, spokesman Toujours Endormi said only last week, "a person of interest".
Thrupiece watcher and conspiracy theorist Thea Outa-Ketchu finds the whole saga "dodgy in the extreme" and, like a Threadbone Mechanically Recovered Meats Dorset Pastie - "hard to swallow". "First there's no proof that Professor Thrupiece is dead and there are many, many sitings since 2005 to suggest that he's not. Next there is no record of any autopsy. Then there's no evidence that his brain was ever in the possession of the RSCBE and certainly no suggestion that it was ever exhibited. Finally we know that Professor Thrupiece's brain was massive - it had to be to contain all those ideas - so who would have been able to remove it, carry it and mount it on a stick without drawing attention to themselves? Unless of course it was at night." "Anyway, it's ludicrous to suggest that anything about this story is remotely plausible - it's Fake News invented to distract us from the huge and growing catalogue of CONTRIK-69 human rights violations!".
So could the whole story be wishful thinking on the part of those who - not content with the Professor's manifold recorded achievements across the widest range of activities - now wish to imply - by association - that he was also a skilled cinematographer [or is that sculptor, impresario]? Thea Outa-Ketchu remains sceptical - "I can't say what it is except that its clearly a cover-up involving the RDC, MI5, the CIA, Mossad, disaffected former STASI officers, rogue Chinese agents and possibly the International Mafia families - all of whom have a lot to gain by spreading confusion and diverting attention from the fact that it is their individual and collective incompetence which has failed to locate the Professor who was clearly either abducted by aliens, murdered on the orders of frightened governmental interests or is hiding somewhere in Latin America hunting down ex-Nazis even as we speak."
Another explanation was offered by former RSCBE librarian and accessions cataloguer Mrs DuWit-Bytherbooke. "I think there may be a misreading here based on a typographical error in the RSCBE Museum Inventory. In 2008 a fragment of the duvet cover used by Professor Thrupiece at the Hotel Cornarvin came into our possession as a result of the bi-lateral agreement between the government of Switzerland and the Dorset Chamber of Commerce. It was a "goodwill" gift. In the catalogue is says "known to have been used by Professor Thrupiece [Brain]". "whereas it should have said "known to have been used by Professor Thrupiece [Brian]". "Simples".
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