Amidst scenes of chaos at Herston General Hospital yesterday the true scale of the Coronabyn virus [vivis ruber marxiensis] epidemic and its consequences began to be manifest. Already on Red Alert and prepared to expect the worst outbreak of a killer disease since the last outbreak of a killer disease [Czar's Disease or certa mors imperatoria], the hospital is but one of many institutions throughout the county gearing up for a total lockdown [fracta ratio sydrome]. Schools, government offices, public facilities, shops, factories, offices and all sports venues are expected to be emptied and mothballed for at least fifteen years, with all citizens receiving 18 years sick pay and free airline tickets for flights which will all be grounded. [Minister: "the flights are a morale thing: a ray of hope and a semblance of normality [normalitatem iam subobscure], by the time the public realises no-one is going anywhere, we will be out of office [ex officio] and no one will care [non est tibi curae]".
Only last week, epidemiologists were hopeful that the Coronabyn virus would only affect old bearded men with silly socialist hats and left-wing sympathies who are already "on their way out", but a change in its pathology - [i] its nucleic acid genome [ii] its protein capsid and [iii] its lipid envelope - has meant the nucleocapsid is now both more resistant to persuasion [duræ cervicis] and more infectious [infectious]. Technically the threat has now been upgraded and re-classified by the Dorset Health Organisation [DHO] as "a bloody nuisance". Whether this applies to the general public or only the more gregarious members of the DHRA is as yet unclear.
Official advice remains that the public should avoid elderly politicians, wash their hands after reading the Goathill Guardian and not answer the door to salesmen [unless they are selling faux face-masks, herbal remedies, general panaceas or plague posies].
Meanwhile, professorthrupiece.com has learned that Dorset's unluckiest man - Mr Ivor Jinx - who recently left hospital hopping on one leg is the latest to succumb to the coronabyn virus. It is believed he was infected by the podiatrist who came to measure him for his artificial foot. The hospital described it as an unfortunate "one in a million" chance. "The usual guy was on holiday and they sent a substitute. In any other week Ivor would have got away scot-free".
THAT FRIGHTENING VIDEO: