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Cyber Crime Increases As Lock-Down Continues

A joint operation coordinated by the Royal Dorset Constabulary and led by The Whisky-McNightly Cyber Security Group on behalf of the University of Afpuddle claimed this evening to have apprehended a man believed to be responsible for breaching University of Afpuddle online security and watching - without proper authority - one of the University's new online virtual tutorials. The tutorial - said to be a Module of the BSC in Advanced Sums - was supposed to be securely protected - like all such courses - behind a paywall guarded by the Whisky-McNightly Group's patented ultra-secure digi-vault technology. A spokesperson for the Company said it was too early to say how the man - believed to be in his 30s and seeking "self-improvement during lock-down" - had managed to bypass both USERID login and the Company's ULTRA-SECURE CYBER PASSWORD technologies, adding that an "immediate and full investigation is urgently underway".

University of Afpuddle Mathematics Tutor Coe Syne who devised the online course module recently hacked by cyber thieves. He is thought to be both distressed and confused: "It just doesn't add up", he said.

A spokesperson for the RDC would only confirm that "a man in his 30s with sandals, a funny beard, weird hair, a long slightly frayed woolly pully and a penchant for complex numbers" was helping police with their inquiries. In a warning to others, the spokesperson went on to say that both the constabulary and the University of Afpuddle were keen to emphasise the seriousness of the crime as well as the multiple warnings on the site informing illegal non-fee paying visitors of the likelihood of prosecution in the event of a breach. "There's really no excuse", he said, "and accessing courses in this way amounts to straightforward theft from a vulnerable institution which only exists to make money". "When I think of how much we might be losing through this kind of unwarranted invasion, it makes me weep", he added.

The online courses have been developed by the University in record time in an attempt to "give a semblance of academic continuity" and, more importantly, to prevent students from claiming back fees as a result of the University's near-permanent closure.

Our Cyber-Security Correspondent writes:

Bypassing both USERID and The Whisky-McNightly Cyber Security Group's highly sophisticated ULTRA-SECURE CYBER PASSWORD technologies is, at once, audacious and technically demanding and the Company will be worried tonight that the apparent ease with which the man is said to have done so will "blow a hole the size of an elephant's anus" in its supposedly unbreachable security algorithms as well as its hard-won reputation. Some of Dorset's most prestigious multinational corporations are Whisky-McNightly clients and there will be a cloud of unease settling over great Heaving tonight. That said, boffins at the Whisky-McNightly laboratories will be taking some comfort from the fact that the module the hacker was able to access is one of the University of Afpuddle's most advanced courses, suggesting that, if he was able to understand it, the perpetrator is already a highly intelligent and highly skilled operative as well as a man keen to access the most advanced knowledge currently held only by University professors. In short, "ordinary Joe Public he ain't".



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