Drexit Actually

Updated: Mar 2, 2020

Despite assurances that [a] contingency arrangements were in place, [b] that all possible precautions had been taken, [c] that commerce would remain unimpeded, [d] that nothing would change and [e] that all would be well, following Dorset’s withdrawal from the West Country union at 11pm last Friday, chaos came to Melbury Bubb High Street yesterday as the Drexit bug* struck and commerce at three registered premises came grinding to a sickening halt.


* The Guest Editor adds: Surely some confusion here. In the interests of complete impartiality let it be stated: Drexit is not a computer virus unlike the Millennials Bug and the Corbynara virus - it's a well-planned and essential strategic withdrawal from a failing institution that has trampled on the people's rights, stolen the democratic process and stifled social progress and technical innovation across the entire West Country. Freedom from it will be liberating and refreshing and will unleash the latent productivity of the people of Dorset who, free to follow their own destiny, will rise up and beg for more. Order, order, Unlock!


Angry crowds gather outside Tasty Meat's in Melbury Bubb today as they demanded sliced bacon. A spokesperson for Let's Do Grammar Rite said: anyone who doesnt know how to do apostrophe's proper deserves all they get.

Electronic tills failed to open at two properties [though one was closed on Mondays anyway] whilst the outage also meant that the bacon slicer at Tasty Meat's stood forlorn and functionless as shoppers queued in vain for their daily rasher ration. It was all a far cry from the scenes of jubilation in the Market Square Poyntington last week as Drexiteers celebrated the "freedom, opportunity and non-standardised condoms" that departure from WCU rules would bring. Instead, ordinary people like Didier Hamman-Eggs faced a streaky-less evening with only a tin of baked beans and a dodgy opener for company. [He should have shopped at Waitaminute's Edmonsham where the baked beans are sold in ring-pull cans [Guest Ed].]


Not every Tasty Meat's [sic] customer was impressed with the suggested alternatives.

Political Reaction:


"We were assured that during the transition period nothing would change", said Illib-Undem temporary interim acting assistant deputy co-leader Sol Brixton whose party has consistently opposed withdrawal from the WCU. "And for us it hasn't - were still in deep s**t".


"This is all down to the failure to establish an even playing field, readers rights, frictionless-borders, security of supply and parity of inter-library loans", fence-sitter and one-time DHRA hopeful Mr Jermyn Street declared in what many hope will be one of his last utterances as Opposition Party leader.


Meanwhile, in a terse statement, a spokesperson for the pro-Drexit Establishment Party said: "who gives a f**k"; a message later altered to "We care deeply about this and are doing all we can to resolve this unfortunate situation", once it became known that tonight's 4th round Threadbone Cup tie at The Dump between Todber United and the Symondsbury Saints was to be postponed due to lack of half-time sarnies.


It was later revealed [but not widely reported] that the power failure was not, in fact, Drexit related at all, but the result of Illib-Undem activists gnawing through power cables in West Parley.


 

TODAY'S RECIPE OF THE DAY


Spaghetti Corbynara:

1 packet half-boiled workers' pasta

1 packet sliced bacon [unsliced will do if you live in Melbury Bubb]

3 eggs [preferably thrown and scraped]

1/2pt non-dairy metropolitan cream

4grms Partisano-Reggiano cheese


Stir to the point of revolution and leave to others to serve


Only available until mid-2020.

15 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All