Today's edition is also CELEBRATING THE ARRIVAL OF THE ALL-POWERFUL AND MICRO-BIOLOGICALLY INNOVATIVE CONTRIK-69 NEW YORK VARIANT! Especially designed for the tired, poor, and huddled masses yearning to breathe free!!
PLACE: GREAT HEAVING
DATELINE: 24.03.2021
TIME: 15.16
The ordinarily serene feathers of the Threadbone Corporation Main Board remain in a seriously ruffled state today as adverse reaction to last week's announcement of the appointment of a new Board member continued to flood into the Corporation's digital online Complaints Box*.
*Open Tuesday and Thursday 0.10 - 0.12. Registration required. Complaints monitored but not necessarily acknowledged or answered. Fees and charges apply - ask your service supplier for details.
The public outrage follows from the announcement on Wednesday of last week by Board Chair Mrs Amanda J Threadbone that, in a move designed to increase diversity and improve minority representation, she had invited Samuel Blackman [aka "Little Black Sambo"] to join the giant conglomerate's inner circle. Suggesting that the stuffed toy - a childhood favourite - "ticked all the right boxes" she went on to argue that he not only improved both black and male representation on the Board, but that, following the loss of an eye in an un-recollected incident, he also helped fill the disabled and impaired quota. "It's what I believe is sometimes described as a win win situation", she said, "he brings lots of different perspectives but adds only one extra brown bag lunch".
Critics immediately branded the move "tokenism" and insisted that a "stuffed toy" could be nothing other than a mouthpiece for the Chair and an extra vote for Mrs Threadbone - claims immediately denied by a Threadbone Corporation spokesperson who insisted that LBS had "a mind of his own" and that "he can think and speak for himself". One wag - who wishes to remain nameless - added, "since the rest of the Board is made up of stuffed shirts, a stuffed toy seems a very minor departure from the norm". Asked if a stuffed parrot might not have been even more appropriate, Sir Viyl, declined to answer and instead ran back in to the building muttering ”Oh Christ, I've done it now” - or words to that effect.
Now that the story has made the front pages, there is little hope that it will go away any time soon and sources close to Mrs Threadbone say that the veteran President FOR LIFE, Chair, CEO, CFO and, for many years, serial winner of the Dorset Businesswoman of the Year Award, is digging in for the long haul. "LBS and I have always been close and we each know what the other is thinking. You could say that we are close to telepathic or, that on this as on so much else we are simply on the same page - so much so that LBS doesn't even have to open his mouth for me to know exactly what his opinion is and how he wants me to vote on his behalf". LBS has, of course, remained silent throughout the present controversy and his official spokesperson - Ventril O'Quist - declined the offer of an interview on his behalf.
Black Toys Matter spokeswoman Brenda Knee said the possibility of an all night vigil outside the Threadbone Corporation's Great Heaving High Security Gates was "a real possibility" especially if night-time temperatures rise and the threat of heavy rain is withdrawn by The Dorset Meteorological Service. "We - which is to say Polly Tykorekt and I - stand ready to do anything we can to make our voices heard on this important matter on behalf of the silent majority". [Including presumably LBS? or is he a silent minority? [Ed].] "We just want to stand here silently in the cold being ignored by everyone and, in this way, make a difference".
THE EDITOR ADDS
We include a celebration of the arrival on our shores of the New York Variant of CONTIK-69 as part of our own contribution to diversity and inclusiveness. Let it not be said that professorthrupiece.com is in any way nationalistic, xenophobic or other than welcoming to opinions, influences, cultures [social or biological] otherwise alien to our own precious way of life and tried and tested traditional values.
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