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The Controversial Truth Behind the Dorset Black Pudding Scandal: Exploring the Facts and Fiction

The Black Pudding "ring" was only successfully broken upon in the late 2000s.
The Black Pudding "ring" was only successfully broken upon in the late 2000s.

Observers of the DHRA's increasingly bizarre monthly council meetings will have noticed the surprising reluctance of Members' Welfare and Protection Officer Deepe Doodooooz to endorse calls for a Public Inquiry into the Black Pudding Scandal which resulted in several cases of serious constipation in Melcombe Regis during the 2000s.


There are even rumours that PM [Photocopying Monitor] Sir Dyer Stoma will deploy heavies from his inner circle to ensure that council members vote down an amendment from Overseas Member Elon Gated calling on Sir Dyer to flush out* those responsible and commission an inquiry to report no later than 2046. Opposition parties have accused Sir Dyer of putting politics before justice - only the 300,452nd time such an accusation has been levelled against the PM this year.


* aka Cabinet Irrigation - a painful procedure whereby stubborn blockages ["turds"] are removed from office through a combination of high pressure, public humiliation and being "hung out to dry" [See A Motion [2013] Fossil Fools: Politics, Expediency and the Modern Copra Industry in the South West of England [Threadbone Press]]


The Ingredients Mix-Up


The Scandal started when Melcombe Regis butcher Terry-Bull Haemer-Roids mistook ingredients for his home-made pile herbs for his usual black pudding spices, thereby adding to his normal mixture:


  • 1 cup of Butcher's broom, horse chestnut, and psyllium husk

  • 2 tablespoons of Aloe vera

  • 3 squirts of Anusol

  • 4 tablespoons of Witch hazel**


** Readers are strongly advised to make a note of these ingredients and keep them in a safe place. They may prove useful in identifying unlawful additives sometimes used in MRM-based commercially produced black pudding or alternatively in making "a damned fine pile infusion." [Dorset Hemorrhoids and Hemorrhoid Sufferers Monthly].


The Political Fallout


Speaking for the PM, long-serving ally [Shoal Datta-Shoulda] said that it was clear to everyone of good faith that there was absolutely no need for an inquiry since the PM himself had assured everyone that he was innocent and "absolutely certain" that no inquiry into [his [Ed]] conduct was necessary. "And he should know", she added, 'as he was knee-deep in the whole business at the time as well as very proactive in the subsequent cover up"


Readers should note that this a shortened version of an much longer investigative article which first appeared in Dorset Country Life's Cuisine Magazine.




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