Updated: Jun 19, 2020
INFOMERCIAL: The following infomercial was paid for by The Threadbone Corporation [High Pressure Marketing and Sales Division, Great Heaving] and is not officially endorsed by the thrupieceorganisation. However, we unreservedly agree with everything contained in this important public-safety enhancing announcement and - short of actual endorsement - highly recommend the products and actions recommended herein.
With Father's Day just around the corner many Dorset citizens - young and old - are asking two simple questions: what can I give my beloved father on this most special of days and how can I possibly obtain it in these times of socially-distanced 15 mile queues? Their dilemma is clear: whilst they wish to honour - properly and appropriately - the man whose selfless physical exertions brought them into being, they cannot be arsed to wait in line for 12 hours only to find that the one non-essential shop they have been able to visit has run out of bath plugs.
Luckily help is at hand from those thoughtful and inventive people at the Threadbone Corporation. They might not be suppliers of bath plugs to the heavily-indebted children of Dorset [or to Mrs Amanda J Threadbone for that matter - she has made clear her preference for luxury non-utility designer supplier Burton Bradstock Bathroom Accutriments Ltd when it comes to matters of personal plumbing] they are suppliers of commemorative Professor Thrupiece Dewlish Original Bath Olivers to anyone with the taste, enterprise and wherewithal to engage with their expert and personally-attentive online digi-portal worldwide interweb sales team.
And here's the point: by deciding to purchase Threadbone Corporation-sourced Professor Thrupiece Dewlish Original Bath Olivers, the sophisticated customer has not only solved the pressing issue of what to buy for their favourite locked-down geriatric male progenitor but also how to obtain it without the personal inconvenience of visiting an absurdly inaccessible retail outlet. That, say manufacturers Threadbone Heavy Chemicals Ltd, is a "result".
Re-invented in the 1970s after the chance rediscovery of an old family recipe, Professor Thrupiece Dewlish Original Bath Olivers are the perfect digestive, recommended by dieticians throughout the county as scientifically proven to reduce flatulence in the elderly by virtue of its naturally absorbent chalky ingredients. In laboratory tests 4 out of 10 hideously smelly old people were proven to exhibit a 50% reduction in gas output over a 24 hour period, with some even reporting drier, better contoured and generally "safer" stools. Care home expert Mrs Ava Lottableachreddy says that by initiating a daily regime which included the administration of a Professor Thrupiece Dewlish Original Bath Oliver to every patient in a state-of-the-art high security care home in Purse Caundel [believed to be the award-winning Dun Breathin] not only reduced gaseous build up amongst residents to recognised European "safe" levels but even allowed the home to keep its windows closed during cold spells, saving nearly £3,000 per year on heating bills.
So the message is clear: if you have an unwanted and occasionally aero-incontinent father who has frustratingly survived CONTRIK-69 and who you wish to be seen to honour but are glad not to be able to visit, get on to those nice folk at Threadbone Corporation Online and ask them to dispatch some Professor Thrupiece Dewlish Original Bath Olivers today! [Delivery by September 18th [ie well within lock-down] guaranteed if you order before 6 o'clock today.]. You'd be doing everyone a favour!
PLEASE NOTE: Professor Thrupiece Dewlish Original Bath Olivers are also available in a limited-edition, specially-designed and privately-commissioned presentation tin.
For anyone who just likes the tin and can't stand the contents, empty tins are available. For anyone who likes neither the tin not the biscuits, a framable print can be obtained from Sotherbone's Fine Auctioneers and Valuers [Price on application]