Startling new research published today in the Dorset Journal of Advanced Nutritional Science* proves "beyond per adventure" that the advice we have been given by government agencies and health officials of all stripes - that full-fat products are bad for us - is "simply wrong" or, as the study itself initially concluded "not necessarily right".
* An RSCBE publication. RSCBE Publications are the intellectual property of The Hornimint Company, a Threadbone Corporation Associate Enterprise
Unveiling the results of a twenty year study into the dietary and lifestyle habits of over 2,300 stick thin to clinically obsese volunteers, Threadbone Heavy Chemicals Chief Food Engineer and lead study author Hiyly Compro-Mize'd, confirmed that eating full-fat foods [including milk, cream, cheese, yoghurt, Thrediwhip and even the highly addictive Threadichoc Nightime Sleep-Booster Smoothie] is actually good for you and leads to "no discernable weight increase" or, more scientifically, shows no unambiguous correlation with "scale tipping at the upper end".
Flying in the face of established opinion, the study concludes that commercial interests have been allowed to ride rough-shod over the nutritional facts in a shameful example of corporate manipulation. "We should have been eating the good stuff all along", the authors claim, "absorbing as many omega, trans, saturated, unsaturated and other fats as we possibly can" ... "its nature's way of preventing [night] starvation and other 20th/21st century evils".
The wholly independent study, sponsored by The Threadbone Corporation's Animal Fat Rendering subsidiary [Fatties r'Us] has been undertaken by scientists employed by the Threadbone Corporation and working to a brief believed to have been designed and signed off by Mrs Threadbone herself.
Independent analyst E Cilly-Bortorff says that having achieved almost monopoly status in the slimming business via the patented and highly lucrative Thrupiecediet, the Corporatioin has been looking towards expanding its business interest amongst inveterate eaters, hoping to disprove the link between food [calorie] intake and weight gain. And it seems the Corporation has now achieved that holy grail in the form of research that proves once and for all that the more you eat, the more you eat. Whether this leads to weight gain remains a matter of dispute for some; but if the latest wholly-independent, objective, dispassionate and authoritative study is to be believed [and why would we doubt it?] drinking 10 glasses of Threadichoc Nightime Sleep-Booster Smoothie just before bedtime won't increase the waistline and might even be "jolly good for you"!
To celebrate the results of the study, the Threadbone Heavy Chemicals Company in association with Waitaminute Supermarkets, Threadboneextra and Edna's is offering a 20% discount on 1,000+ multipacks of both Thrediwhip and Threadichoc Nightime Sleep-Booster Smoothie]*
* While stocks last. Limited to 20,000 packs per customer. Each family member counts as an
individual customer.