TPO Spells Troubled Philharmonic Orchestra

Some orchestra members have asked to remain anonymous.

Recently reinstated TPO chief conductor Maestra Irina Legova appeared to be in deep trouble yet again this week after further upsetting orchestra members during their latest rehearsal. Ms Legova, who has recently returned from entertaining cohorts of war-weary troops in the Crimea, fell foul of the orchestra only last month when she demanded that Ukrainian born leader Olexander Upchuck be replaced by his Russian deputy Vladimir Knott-Putin Upwivit in what she described as an effort to rebalance the string section's perceived anti-Russian stance. No premieres by previously unknown contemporary Russian-born women composers feature in the TPO's 2025 Summer Season for the first time in nearly a decade.

Tuba Player Daphila Widebore says she has no regrets after agreeing to make "personal sacrifices" in order to meet newly imposed gender-fluid quotas. No one in the brass section is convinced (on any front).

The latest spat has arisen, professorthrupiece.com has learned, as a result of Maestra Legova's announcement that, according to DEI reference criteria, the orchestra is two lesbians brass players and three transgender percussionists below target. According to insiders in the woodwind section Maestra Legova's directive was accompanied by a number of threats to replace current members of the affected desks should they decline to make the necessary personal re-adjustments. Timpanist Thomas Harde-Sticks said he had been placed under intolerable pressure to wear fishnet tights and a minidress and that, though he had agreed to do so in order to retain his place in the orchestra [by meeting its cross-dressing quota], this was now deemed insufficient. Administrators confirmed that Mr Harde-Sticks - soon to be Ms Softskins - had been booked into Herston General Hospital for emergency gender re-assignment treatment as a condition of extending his/her/their contract.

Asked whether it might not be easier simply to replace orchestra members with new - box ticking-ready alternatives - an anonymous source said that finding accomplished players with the right DEI credentials was difficult and it was better on the whole to re-engineer established section heads. He suggested that re-orienting one's sexual preferences or even a short episode "under the knife" was a small price to pay for coninuint to play in a world class ensemble.

Chief oboist Cora Onglays, who has so far escaped attention, said she had never been more relieved to be a fat ginger lesbian.