Spare a thought for Fleetsbridge cafe owner Kaye Kannaslyce whose pet project and main business The Corner Cafe was closed down yesterday after a visit from local authority officers accompanied by an armoured division of the RDC’s tactical enforcement team.
Kaye, who has been manfully [surely womanfully? [Ed]] steering her shaky ship of business through the post-CONTRIK-69 recovery storms, was said to be “stunned” at the intervention which came unexpectedly and with deadly precision in the early hours of Tuesday morning.
“I was just preparing the donut batter whilst my 20-year-old assistant was grinding away [Kaye believes in using only the finest beans for the freshest coffee] when the window was smashed in, the door flew off its hinges and the normally affable Mr Tidyman [milk and two sugars] appeared with about half a dozen heavily-equipped police officers. He then proceeded to seal off the stock cupboard and ordered us to cease trading forthwith. I was shocked as he normally comes in armed with nothing more than a clipboard, a ballpoint pen and [if operating in cognito] a medium-sized brown walrus moustache”.
Though Ms Kannasyce remains mystified by the intervention and is currently at home dusting off her well-rehearsed lockdown routines, professorthrupiece.com has learned that her misfortunes may be rooted in her association with a Mr Ollie Garke who is believed to have invested more than £40 in The Corner Cafe when Ms Kannaslyce was seeking financial backing in 2018. As a “person of interest” Mr Garke is thought to have connections to the Morden mafia whose money-laundering operations have long been the subject of RDC scrutiny. Since the outbreak of the troubles associated with ownership of the recreation ground in Upwey [and their subsequent illegal occupation by a non-local "militant scout group"] there has been an embargo on businessmen [and women [Ed]] connected to over-aggressive Marnhull Rotary Club Chair Vinny Poo-Tinne. Many in Mr Poo-Tinne's inner circle as well as companies with financial links to the Rotary Club have seen their assets frozen and their vitals cut off [described as SWIFT action] in attempts to sanction Mr Poo-Tinne and isolate his cadre of "evil dooers bent on seizing power".
A spokesperson for the RDC’s Armoured Division said “It’s good to be out and about on the streets again. The lads have been kicking their heels since the end of lockdown enforcement manoeuvres and a number of our armed personnel carriers have been showing signs of deterioration. Happily, our heavy tanks are still in decent order and they made short work of The Corner Cafe. Some of the lads are a bit down, though, as they used to get their vanilla slices there, but it's collateral damage as far as we are concerned and to the best of our knowledge, no red velvet cake was harmed in the operation”.
In the meantime, Ms Kannaslyce is effectively under house arrest pending PDO inquiries [The Corner Cafe’s pasties are subject to particular scrutiny] except when required to report - on an hourly basis - to Fleetsbridge Police Station. Questioned by reporters, Fleetsbridge Council Trading Standard’s Mr Tidyman declined to comment but did not deny that his ongoing inquiries centred on the source of The Corner Cafe’s funding, the identity of its stakeholders and any potential links to Upwey business interests. It is understood to be too early to tell whether Ms Kannaslyce will be forced to surrender ownership of the Cafe to a Not-for-Profit Trust or whether any staff members remaining in her employ are themselves under suspicion. Sunday's Dorset Catering League One fixture which would have seen The Corner Cafe take on Sid's Diner [Rockley Park] has been postponed pending the release of the Corner Cafe's home kit and an appeal against a travel ban to other parts of the county.
Additional Reporting courtesy of Pravda [The Pilsdon Resident's Association Virtual Diary App]