DATELINE: 22.03.2021; TIME: 08.00; PLACE: Belchalwell, Dorset
An elite unit of the RDC’s crack CONTRIK-69 Rapid Response Pensioner Shielding Enforcement Task Force [C-69 RRPSETF] came under violent attack yesterday when a group of angry octogenarians-plus approached them in what has been described by shocked observers as "an unprecedentedly ugly fashion". [How pretty would you expect them to look at 80 [Ed].]
The unit which was, ironically, shielding itself behind an 18 ft high concrete wall was attacked by the "far from sightly" mob at about 12 noon in the small window of opportunity available to the assailants between the early luncheon sitting and afternoon nap lockdown period at their Belchalwell Rest Home. At the height of the riot the determined band of octogenarians - estimated at around 12 strong including an advanced motorised division on a variety of mobility scooters - penned in the highly trained RDC assassins who found that their riot gear and heavy artillery was no match for the full frontal assault [with outrageously daring flanking manoeuvres] tactically employed by their wiley opponents. Leading the protesters from the front - armed with only a toothbrush on a broomstick and another longer serviceable Second World War pistol - former army commander Major Blenheim Margorie-Margorie [“Mad Majorie” to his doctors and nurses] deployed all his accumulated wisdom as he urged his troops forward whilst reciting the poetry of Dorset nationalist poet Rudyard Going. Several of his comrades in arms brandished frighteningly intimidating improvised weapons including tangerines, walnuts and a family sized tube of Pringles.
A spokesperson for the RDC said that the incident had been a terrifying experience for those facing the pensioners, adding that many had subsequently sought counselling and were being treated for PTS. The same spokesperson also confirmed that the force would be seeking punitive damages from their tormentors in the hope of “capitalising on the commercial opportunities the present liberal compensation culture offers to those on the front line”. "Had the protesters actually managed to breach the fortifications and had they managed to lay a glove on any the officers involved, things could have been so much worse”, she continued. "It’s a miracle nobody was seriously maimed. The horrendous projectiles deployed may only have been assorted foodstuffs but there were several in play at the same time and a direct hit from a tangerine with embedded Pringles can be very unsettling to a man separated from harm by only a bullet proof vest, several layers of Kevlar, a protective helmet and a chieftain tank".
Speaking from her place by the window in the Day Lounge of her Belchalwell Rest Home, 110-year-old Gladys Mann-Trappe says she has no regrets, despite receiving a visit from officers of the RDC's Post-Incident Punitive Action and Exemplary Retribution Division [PIPACaERD]. "I have no regrets", she says, "It was a grand day out. We managed to avoid having to eat our terrible packed lunches and, instead, used them in a much more productive fashion. I haven't attacked an armed police unit since the 1946 Fortuneswell round of the Dorset Has Hidden Post-War Talent Competition. A woman from Friars Cliff placed a couple of Seville oranges down her bra and fighting broke out between those who wanted her banned and those who just wanted to eat the still rationed oranges. I am angry to this day and perhaps the RDC Officers just got caught in the backlash."