Fools On Top

Campaigner Caroline Bedlam-Broadmoor, delighted by the recommendation but "not too well in herself".

In wide-sweeping proposals designed to make life-simpler and to acknowledge what has become, in effect, established practice, idiots are officially to run all "asylums" in Dorset. Recognising the inevitability of the move, the impossibility of backward social engineering and the wide inter-governmental desire to put things on a proper legal footing, the All-Dorset Commission on Governance in Everyday Life [ADCoGiEL] has urged the powers that be to recognise "the unstoppable tide of history" and legislate at the first opportunity to give effect to its recommendations. From DREXIT to sport, the arts to finance, education to administration, every recognisable governing body, advisory board, executive assembly and legislative authority will be required to identify and select certified idiots [Hazelbury Bryan Guidelines] and "give Zim, Sie, Em, Ver, Ter, Em the keys to the castle". The Commission hopes that in appointing nincompoops to the top table, it will encourage other dolts to get more involved, thus widening access to influential positions for all those sanctioned, sectioned or certified. "Finally, we can put an end to any vestige of competent governance and silence the death-rattle of sane decision making", said jubilant but somewhat over-wrought campaigner Caroline Bedlam-Broadmoor shortly before "going home to have a lie-down".

ADCoGiEL Chair and former inmate Danny "Cuckoo" Flake wearing the ceremonial robes of his office. Once arrested for "thinking clearly" he attributes the huge change in his fortunes to a sustained period of corrective therapy which removed all trace of rational thinking. "I can't tell you the world of opportunities being logic-impaired has opened up me".

A spokesperson for CftPoItIP [The Campaign for the Promotion of Idiots to Influential Positions] described the move as "inevitable", adding that "this has been the trend for some time. Look at any organisation you can think of and you will see that the quality of leadership, the intellectual capacity of the movers and shakers and the presence of plain common sense in deliberations has been on a downward curve for some time. This move recognises that trend, gives it full legitimacy and encourages further development along the same lines". "It's the way to go", ze added.

Meanwhile a spokesperson for the Dorset Football Association told assembled reporters that though he thought the move was "long-overdue", it would have "little practical impact on the DFA". "Our organisation has been run by the insane and the bewildered for more than a decade and happily common sense became a dirty word in 2013". "In this respect at least, we're way ahead of the curve", he said. Afpuddle University Vice Chancellor, Grantham Saggitarius was also quick to reassure the public that the University had "long since taken the necessary steps to ensure future compliance with any idiots-only or idiots-first policy". "I myself am testament to affirmative action in this regard, as anyone who has read any of my policy documents will confirm".

ECG Hall, administrative headquarters of the CftPoItIP. A former secure home for the demented, it closed in 2014 after being taken over by inmates. A spokesperson for UEFA described it as "a model and inspiration for us all as we look forward to different, less rational times".

No-one from the Threadbone Corporation was available for comment today though it is widely believed that Chairwoman Mrs Amanda J Threadbone is likely to resist any move to oust her from her seat on these new legislative - or indeed any other - grounds.