Forza Backwardz


Forza Fiasco Team Boss, Matteo Brianotto was said to be under "extreme pressure" today following a series of mishaps [or in technical motor racing terms "cock ups"] at several of this year's Grand Prix meetings. The latest - and to date most egregious - being the failure to put front wheels on Charles Lesecond's car before it exited the pit lane at last weekend's Glanvilles Wootton GP. It follows "technical issues" at the Chalbury, Edmondsham and Hilton Parva races [Rounds 8, 11 and 24 of the County Championship] and especially at Chideock where both Lesecond and team leader Seb Aceous-Cyst failed to finish after team orders to avoid driving unnecessarily into the main grandstand were blatantly ignored.


The car - the FF2019B - is thought to be amongst the fastest on the grid. The methane-fuelled automotive power unit is without question the pick of the bunch, whilst observers say that the significant mechanical and aerodynamic improvements brought to the B-spec chassis [the addition of a steering wheel and fixed rear wing] at the Manston race has further improved the handling of what was already a superb design. Since both drivers are proven race winners, the spotlight is now firmly on the support team and in particular Brianotto who, as Scuderia Principle, is responsible for race preparation and strategy as well as off-track management.


Melbury Osmond-born Brianotto trained as a pastry chef before turning his attention to paint-shop work. An expert in decal application he is widely credited with making the Fiasco look an even better car than it is. ["When you've iced twelve dozen fondant fancies and turned them into a three-tier bar mitzvah celebration cake, making a red car look like a speeding swiss roll is - well - a piece of cake"]. Some journalists have suggested that a team boss who actually understands [a] how cars work, [b] how drivers drive, [c] what a Grand Prix race is and [d] what constitute's a winning strategy might make all the difference, though a spokesperson for the Scuderia said that "with several upcoming birthdays, a wedding and Christmas, we need all the in-house baked-goods expertise we can muster, so keeping Matteo onside makes a lot of sense. He's a whizz in the motorhome and no-one customises an emergency Battenberg like he does".



Main sponsors Fatgirl Cakemix say they will be backing Brianotto until and unless they discover the secret of his bread and butter pudding royal icing topping.

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