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Fouetter un cheval mort

Police sketch of Sir Rising Crimewave at the conference - made using antiquated software rather than the new programme.

To the surprise of many and the consternation of quite a few, the RDC has announced - at a hastily convened press conference - that the development and application of a new computer software programme has enabled them to create a photofit image of Professor Thrupiece as he might look today were he to have an iphone and a burst of self obsession. The organisation claims that it is the most realistic image ever produced of the much sought-after but still illusive runaway*.

* Is this a reasonable expression to use? Given his age at the time of his disappearance isnt it more likely that he might have walked away or made an ill-advised proto-UBER booking?

Speaking alongside Commissaire Arsène Berglar, RDC Chief Constable Sir Rising Crimewave was in animated form as he hoped to put to bed "once and for all" fears that the investigation into Professor Thrupiece's disappearance from a Swiss Hotel bedroom in 2005 might have come to a standstill. Officials in L'Autoritée Suisse have always maintained that the case remains open and that Professor Thrupiece's official status remains "missing presumed disappeared" rather than AWOL or presume mort. The Authority [L'Autoritée] has not been without its critics for failing to make the kind of progress Professor Thrupiece's friends and colleagues has expected.

Ms Shelley-Lulette Sizemore, who is the last person to have seen the Professor [she had joined him in Switzerland to prepare for her role as his unofficial horizontal jogging partner at the Annual International Edna Awards in Geneva**] - was unavailable for comment

** she returned to their empty bedroom after a short excursion to the local ALDI only to discover that the Professor was absent. Famously, he had left her a note suggesting he was just "popping out for a quick one"


Some claim that they are able to spot a similarity between the portrait of the famous Russian composer Stravinsky and the photofit of Professor Thrupiece presented by RDC Chief Sir Rising Crimewave today.

Staggeringly realistic as the photofit image of Professor Thrupiece is, it will not have escaped the attention of classical music lovers - particularly fans of the late 19th and early 20th century Russian school, that the image bears a passing resemblance to the portrait of Igor Stravinsky by the Russian colourist Ivor Polychromovsky. That portrait which normally hangs in the Dorset Portrait Gallery [Compton Abbas] has - coincidentally - recently been removed for cleaning and restoration to a location not a million miles from the RDC's new state-of-the-art HQ in Great Heaving.

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