In what climate change scientists are calling a severe blow to the naysayers, photographic evidence from Shaftesbury published in today’s Sydling St Nicholas Sun proves conclusively, reports say, that global warming is alive and well and living in Dorset. Two photographs in today’s edition of the influential paper showing the exact same scene 15 years apart illustrate just how far we have come and how ineffective has been the flight against global warming thus far.
“Despite the best efforts of individuals" - believed to be Mr and Mrs Carbone-Phree of Guy’s Marsh who haven’t used toilet paper for more than 7 years - "we have collectively failed to fight the good fight against increased emissions [eg the recently expanded Threadbone Mechanically Recovered Meats facility in Radipole] and have consequently put our entire planet at risk” says the well-respected [in some places [Ed]] newspaper's Climate Change expert Mette Oriphis. Distinction Rebellion spokesperson Levelle Play-Ying Field added “We said when our attempts to stop the extension to the car park at the Fiddelford Waitaminutes were thwarted that we were moving in the wrong direction [an anti-clockwise mobility scooter priority system would have been much more logical] and so it has proved”.
For years now scientists at the University of Afpuddle's Waitaminute Centre for Global Climate Monitoring and Control have argued that by 2098 annual temperatures in Dorset would have risen on average by 0.000004 degrees, warning that by 4046 much of the harbour at Poole [as well as, tragically, the municipal paddling pool at Wyke Regis] could be under water. “These vulnerable sites, beloved of dozens, are under long-term threat as never before and could eventually succumb as a result of sheer human negligence. As the toothy and once toothsome [to some [Ed] Canadian chanteuse Ms Joni Mitchell memorably reminds us ‘you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone’ [and she should know [Ed]] and that’s as true of our much-loved beauty spots as it is of a Pendleton’s Twicer*".
*not again. This happens every time this arcane cultural reference is made. For the 40th time a Pendelton’s Twicer was a two flavoured ice lolly popular - though evidently not popular enough - with children in the late 1950s. The catchphrase “Nothing could be nicer than a Pendleton’s Twicer" was disputed by many - not least the consumers of Health and Efficiency Magazine who had quite other ideas.
In the meantime today’s photographs are likely to be a shot in the arm to those who argue that we should all contribute to environmental improvement by extending the present non-locked down lockdown into 2025. Since the CONTRIK-69 pandemic hit the county, petroleum sales have dropped by 98% as people strive to stay at least 2 metres from a petrol pump, though critics say that any emission reduction and air quality improvements resulting from having less vehicles on the road is more than offset by a 7000% increase in patio heater sales as “extra-bubble semi-legal garden chats become more popular” [Dorset Extra-Bubble Garden Chats Magazine, November 2020].
A senior spokesperson for Threadbone Carbon Products said that 2020 sales were looking strong and hinted that Chinese Partners Shin-Jao Threadbone Heavy Emissions would be increasing their calor-gas manufacturing capacity by more than 30,000% next year, largely by commissioning an additional 50 manufacturing plants per week throughout 2021.
In the meantime, Mr and Mrs Carbone-Phree believe they are slowly winning the battle for hearts and minds. "Only last week we finally persuaded our neighbour to stop putting kitchen waste in her black bin. These little things make a huge difference. You'd be surprised". [So would we [Ed].]