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Going for Bronze

There was a massive surge in support today for the campaign to secure, for Dorset's most decorated Olympian - AtlèseAtlèse Titryd - the status of Freeperson of the Greater Metropolitan District of Branksome Woods, following his recent appearance at the Turlin Moor Olympics.

The much decorated Mechanised Biathlete [he proudly wears the colours both of his county [red, white and gold] and of his childhood Boy Scouts troop - the Bradpole 3rd Regiment 4th Foot [green, peuce and dusky peach] - and is affectionately known as the Spastic Quilt] completed the two stage event - a motor boat trip around the Isle of Wight followed by 4 laps of the Birdlip Bypass in a record 4 days 3 hours and 12 minutes. This stunning feat of endurance ["a triumph of obstinacy over club-footed ineptitude" The Sydling St Nicholas Sun] earned him 143rd place in a field of a smidgen over 143 competitors.

Rank outsider Atlèse who piloted his home made motor-powered kayak before jumping into a 1986 Morris Marina for the second leg , was commended by the judges for taking part but had points deducted by scrutineers for a serious infringement of the Olympic code - a “fuel issue” arising, apparently, from a Red X and methylated spirits boost he has admitted administering to the kayaks temperamental 12cc outboard Atco petroleum engine. Stewards have also suggested that the loud and - to Atlèse wholly unexpected - report from the race’s 12-pounder starting cannon may have caused him both to “jump the gun” and to “evacuate himself” into his official Team Dorset racing trousers. Strict protocols insist that athletes must be as “physically presentable as they are mentally and morally worthy of competing”, an adjudicator explained. “Atlèse and his trousers fell “foul” of this stricture in at least one important respect”, he continued. "It's undoubtedly a stain on his reputation, but nothing compared to the size of the stain on his trousers".

The scenes of Atlèse Titryd's near triumphs courtesy of the official Turlin Moor Olympics Committee Photographic Agency. In each case all of the competitors bar Atlèse had long departed whereas Atlèse had yet to arrive.

None of this has, however, dented the enthusiasm of his vocal and highly emotional supporters, who point out that but for Atlèse's efforts the county'smedal haul might have been even less remarkable*. Leading the campaign to immortalise the much-loved athlete, veteran serial campaigner Al Shalav-Pryses - said he could think of no one more deserving of this signal honour. “I can think of no one more deserving of this signal honour”, he said. "At a time of deep social tension, rock-bottom morale and randon police arrest, Atlèse has lifted our spirits, brought a smile to our faces and reinvigorated our dry cleaning industry. We owe him a lot and granting him the status of Freeperson of the Greater Metropolitan District of Branksome Woods is surely the least we can do".**


** Surely not. There must be something even less prestigious than this [Ed]. What about a £2 orinoco voucher and a packet of wet-wipes? [SubEd]

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