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Green Is The New Black

In an effort to revamp its innovative programme designed to improve environmental awareness amongst customers, supermarket giant Waitaminute is - as always - more than willing to "buck the trend". So, instead of offering slow-moving stock at minimally discounted prices [aka The Black Friday Sale] it is increasing its prices on all responsibly-sourced electrical goods as well as adding an involuntary surcharge to its organic farm-fresh provender. Cleverly badged as "Green Wednesday", store executives are hoping that the idea will catch on. They have pledged to donate 0.001p in every £10 to environmental causes and are ring-fencing the first £10 raised to buying a "thicker, sound-proof facemask" for annoying and wholly counter-productive climate change activist - 4 year old Greta Manchester.

Said to be the brainchild and "pet project" of Waitaminute CEO, Lord Waitaminute, the Green Wednesday initiative is founded on the results of a "big data"* exercise conducted on the Company's behalf by socio-economic experts at the University of Afpuddle's Institute for Advanced Retail-Outlet Behaviour and Cognitive Shopping Studies [IAROBCSS]. Lead researcher Professor Clippe Bored has something of a track record, being the brains behind Waitaminute's much-heralded and quickly-forgotten campaign to persuade shoppers to knit their own carrier bags before purchasing packaging-free long-grain rice. He went on to head the logistical team organising fuel deliveries to Waitaminute forecourts last month, but was forced to leave the project when his state-of-the-art hybrid ran out of both charge and fuel just outside Lychette Matravers. Matravers.

*more than 50 potential respondents were contacted of whom more than 30 returned "usable information".

ABOVE: A normal shopping day. BELOW: Waitaminute's University of Afpuddle Campus Store where a clear lack of customer interest has left Superstore Manager Ivor Gotta-Knoklu clueless as to the cause.

More than 3 of the 85 Waitaminute Superstores will take an active part in Green Wednesday, one of which - its flagship University of Afpuddle Campis outlet - will extend the scheme "well-into Thursday", though critics say this is less a case of positive thinking than of customer shortfall. The store has the lowest footfall of any outlet in the chain; possibly a reflection of the fact that it receives stock only once every two months and has shelves and chill-cabinets so empty that many first time customers think it's a white goods only store.

Speaking at the launch of the Green Wednesday Campaign, the University of Afpuddle's Pro-Vice Chancellor for Education, Research, Student Affairs and On-Campus Betting Services, Professor Grantham Capricorn, was quick to add his own voice of approval, telling reporters that "what is good for Waitaminute's is good for us". "Customers disappointed at the range of responsibly-sourced electrical goods and organic farm-fresh provender available in the super-store can always take solace in a quick accumulator at our adjacent mega-casino better betting facility. There they can find excellent odds on all current sport-based activities as well as a generous 2-to-1 on on the likelihood of the Green Wednesday Scheme disappearing ignominiously and without trace".

Some have questioned whether a TV competition is the best way to find a new Vice Chancellor.

Professor Capricorn is one of several panellists on the new Dorset Broadcasting Corporation show "Search for a Vice-Chancellor" in which would-be contestants are trained in wokeness, accountancy and incompetence before chairing a meeting of hardened professionals. The Competition has reached Round Seven and only 4 hopefuls remain. Audience favourite and wannabe VC Professor Ava Richus [Alma Mater College, Cambridge] was eliminated in last week's flounce-off, whilst Art Critic and former BBC Presenter Andrew Grabbem-Dickon withdrew shortly after being blacklisted for "speaking out" against burning texts hurtful and "possibly physically damaging" to young minds.

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