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Has Bins And Falling Stock[e]s


In what industry insiders are describing as an "unexpected development", rumours of major "adjustments" to the composition of the Threadbone Corporation's main board suggest that the corporate landscape in and around Great Heaving may be changing significantly and that several board members are now on manoeuvres in the fight to succeed Mrs Threadbone as Board Chair.


Whilst current Chair, CEO, CFO, President for Life and General Administrator Mrs Amanda J Theeadbone shows no signs of relinquishing her iron grip on the corporation’s levers of power, sources close to her long time amanuensis and horizontal jogging partner Enrique de Los Chicos Perdidos suggest that the fortunes of expected successor and current Deputy Chair Mr Royston Binstocke may be taking an adverse turn. Whilst it may be far too soon to say definitively that Mr Binstocke’s stock[e] has fallen irretrievably and that he is headed for the bin [you’re reaching here [Ed]], the recent spectacular rise of former Head of Drexit negotiations and current Somerset and Other Overseas Territories Operations Director Emerson Kruchweyte is a cause for concern for those closely associated with the Binstocke camp. Recruited to the main board only 18 months ago as “a safe pair of hands” Mr Kruchweyte has impressed staff as well as fellow board members following his success in proposing common protocols at the 2022 West Country Mechanically Recovered Meats Convention in June. The breakthrough agreement now allows meat pastes, coagulents and slurries to pass freely throughout the West Country without the need for costly border inspections.


Great Heaving as it was in 2019 before the major 2020 expansion.

Whilst some members of the Board are likely to welcome Mr Kruchweyte’s impressively quick rise to prominence and the “new blood” he undoubtedly represents, others will be suspicious of a man who is regarded as an "outsider" being only distantly related to Mrs Threadbone (a second cousin on the Whisky-McNightly side). Several are, reportedly, anxious lest he fail fully to comprehend the company’s dynastic ethos and hitherto pronounced tendency towards "closed circle caballing".

Whilst it is true that some have greatness thrust upon them and make a decent fist of it, the Threadbone Corporation is not just any old relentless juggernaut of a profit seeking multinational corporation” says former Board Advisor Sir Bufton "Soapy" Bottome-Lyne. “It has its own ingrained ways of doing things and after two decades in sole charge, Mrs Threadbone has created corporate structures, methodologies and ways of thinking that will be hard if not impossible to change. Anyone coming in from left field is likely to encounter a steep learning curve going forward as well as a good deal of resistance to any change in the direction of travel from the diehard Threadbonistas. Whether Mr Kruchweyte is the man to take that on remains to be seen. He will certainly need a great deal of support as well as big cochones”.


Markets were unsettled on Friday as news of the possible changes filtered through. Corporation shares, which had been trading at an all time high on the back of assurances that Mrs Threadbone was "alive, well and still living in luxury", fell at one point by 0.0025% but recovered slightly to close at 00004567p per ordinary share.


@professorthrupiece.com Business Profile:


# 161 Emerson Kruchweyte

Supporters of Mr Kruchweyte say his recent profile in Dorset Time Magazine is a timely reminder of his formidable talents.

The third son and last hope of former market traders and Formula One enthusiast's Frank and Wilma Kruchweyte, Emerson Fittipaldi McLaren Kruchweyte was educated at the Wallace Simpson Academy, Powerstocke and later at Alma Mater College, Cambridge, where he read Advanced Home Economics [with Needlework]. He graduated with an Ordinary degree [in the days when that was possible] and moved briefly into the family business before saving up enough money to buy the entire stock of the Sanford Orcas Hospice Charity Shop and setting up his own stall at the Throop Tuesday Market. Further success followed after expanding into the Toller Whelme Thursday Market and capitalising on the new-found popularity of hard to find nicknacks and second hand yo-yos.


It was not long before he came to the attention of Branscombe Whisky-McNightly [the so-called Vimto Baron] was took him under his wing following a violent thunderstorm in Tarrant Monkton when the two shared "a night to remember" sheltering under an historic [King Charles I, II or III hid here or in the later case held a long conversation here] oak tree. Emerging as "a man and no longer a boy", Emerson soon joined the Whisky-McNightly Fortified Drinks Company where he became the architect of the highly successful and industry-changing "No-one need suffer from Night Starvation" Campaign on Dorset's Commercial TV channel DITV 1.


Further success followed after he persuaded the company to invest in other malted milk products, animal feeds and [in a synergistic partnership] school dinner services. By 2011, Mr Kruchweyte was listed in the Dorset Richest 250,000 with an estimated personal fortune of "more than £50,000". Though his subsequent advancement to Head of Operations at the Threadbone Corporation's Gelatine-based Chewables Division was seen as a sign that he was a still a "coming man" [see above reference to the Tarant Monkton experience] few would have predicted that he would be promoted, within 10 years, to membership of the Great Heaving inner sanctum let alone penetrate the [largely but not exclusively female] membership of the Corporation's main board. Known for having a ruthless streak as well as a wardrobe full of shell-suits, it has been said that Mr Kruchweyte's "flexible approach" allowed him to court all of the Corporation's top executives regardless of gender, seniority or lifestyle orientation.


He was recently the subject of an in depth Dorset TIME profile in which he confessed to having an ambitious bent but declined to talk about his personal life or "dignify" rumours of an ongoing relationship with in-and-out of favour TPO maestra, Ms Irina Legova.


Ms Legova is currently "entertaining troops" in an undisclosed location.

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