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Hells Belles

The future's shite, the future's electric.

In what is being hailed as an unprecedented victory for climate change activists, the hold-out Piddletrenthide Chapter of Dorset’s Hells Angels has finally decided to go carbon neutral by the end of the century. After a landmark agreement - brokered by interim leader Stöppe Gappe - Chapter members will have until 31 December 2099 to hand in their gas guzzling 500cc monsters to the RDC's Environmental Enforcement Squad in exchange for which they will be entitled to a 3% discount on super-quiet economy electric scooters [T&Cs apply].

The amnesty is, insiders say, the mark of new realism and maturity spreading through group members as, in many cases, they reach the age of 80 and find more than 25cc "quite hard to handle".

"Dangerous" Bert Gobby of the Piddletrenthide Chapter exemplar of the changes now proposed.

However, all is not peace and love amongst Chapter members. Former leader and well-known "hard man" Harley David was unavailable for comment - having died some years ago - but Harley David’s son together with his Norwegian cousin Harley Davidsonsonson condemned the move saying that their father/uncle would be spinning in his grave*.

Harley David poses with his Harley-Davidson 1958 FL 1207cc 2 cyl ohv 3310 outside the burial chamber in which they both now rest.

* "A concept fraught with problems", writes our Burial Mounds, Standing Stones and Prehistoric Megaliths Correspondent Sylvia Plinth, "since Harley David was buried - according to his own instructions - astride his Harley-Davidson 1958 FL 1207cc 2 cyl ohv 3310 inside Corfe Mullen's prehistoric Pulnabone dolman. Though externally these fascinating testaments to pagan practices are fairly sizeable, as any prehistoric occupant could have told you [had they not been dead] inside there isn't enough room to swing the proverbial average-sized pre-domesticated feline"**.

The Slightly-Scary brothers [Justin, Sebastian, Lindsey and  Bob are expected to be influential in determining the final outcome depending on just how many members they can home-visit before the AGM.
The Slightly-Scary brothers [Justin, Sebastian, Lindsey and Nobby] are expected to be influential in determining the final outcome depending on just how many members they can home-visit before the AGM.

Following a quickly organised Break the Deal campaign championed by disaffected members and invoking Article 424b of its Statutes and Ordinances [1953], the decision must now be put to the Piddletrenthide Hells Angel Executive Council, endorsed by the full Board and then ratified by a 2/3rds majority of all eligible and present voting members when the Chapter convenes for tea, cakes and its Annual AGM outside Betty's Tearoom, Canford Cliffs next Sunday.

The result is expected to be close with several die-hards vowing to fight to the death or at least until the pubs open on Monday.


Artist's impression of the inside of the cromlech with likely position of motorcycle and skeleton

Ms Plinth adds: A dolmen [/ˈdɒlmɛn/] or portal tomb is a type of single-chamber megalithic tomb, usually consisting of two or more upright megaliths supporting a large flat horizontal capstone or "table". Most date from the Late Neolithic period [4000–3000 BCE] and were sometimes covered with earth or smaller stones to form a tumulus [burial mound]. Small pad-stones may be wedged between the cap and supporting stones to achieve a level appearance. In many instances, the covering has eroded away, leaving only the stone "skeleton". Traditionalists naturally prefer the proper Dorset term cromlech, or if absolutely necessary, the Cornish tolmen.

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