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Ifield Perfect

In a landmark announcement, Thrupiece Audio Labs has today unveiled a revolution in music playback technology - a revolution which is destined, many audiophiles believe, to change forever our listening habits and render obsolete all previous forms of music carrier including the LP, reel-to-reel tape, 8 track and compact cassette and even - believe it or not - the traditionalists' go-to medium - the horn phonograph.

The Compact Disc or "CD" is set to revolutionise the way we listed to sound in the home, though potential purchasers of these little silver marvels are warned that they cannot be played on a conventional record player, the stylus of which is uncapable of "reading the data" without seriously scratching the disc.

Christened the Compact Disc [or CD for short] these remarkable little silver discs [a mere 12cms in diameter] use the latest digital encoding algorithms together with laser-based "pick-up" technology, to record, preserve and allow for the domestic playback of a whole variety of musical genres from Joe "Mr Piano" Henderson through Alma Cogan, Moira Stewart and Dickie Valentine to the latest "sounds" from Helen Shapiro, The Ray Coniffe Singers and, perhaps most excitingly of all, the honky-tonk perfection that is Russ Conway. The record industry says that CDs of Light and Serious music [sometimes designated "Classical" though the term can include, Early Music, Baroque, Pre-Classical and later 20th century genres] will follow once the inventors have found a way of achieving greater separation between the grooves - an absolute requirement given the amplitude of - say - a contra-bass basoon or a Paul Robeson tribute act. Rumours abound that the Thrupiece Philharmonic Orchestra will be amongst the first classical artists to commit to the new format, once they have re-mastered playing in tune following the orchestra's temporary suspension due to its inability to master CONTRIK-69 social distancing requirements.

Thrupiece Audio Labs have badged their invention to the Threadbone Corporation's Perfect Audio Brand. The launch of the new-to-Dorset technology [some 50+ years after its general availability in the rest of the UK] will be supported by a massive advertising campaign in newspapers, magazines and possibly steam radio.

Capable of holding up to 60 minutes of music [and/or other audio-based information - eg dolphin or whale sounds or a Doris Enderseley-Kindersley speech] these circular silver discs will, according to Thrupiece Audio Labs' top boffins, "contain perfect sound that will last forever". And so very soon, say the same wise-acres, we will be saying "goodbye" to rumble, pops, glitches, clicks and other extraneous mechanical noises alongside pennies balanced on pick-up arms, dust bugs, turntable speed stabilisers and LP clamps*. We will instead be experiencing uninterrupted sound-studio-standard audiophile standard enjoyment through our stereophonic speakers - free from the need to rise from our chairs every 3 minutes to "swap sides" or change whole discs**.

* Some of these futurologist - Henny Boddie-Owttheyre - believes are so entrenched in the culture that 30 years hence the LP may yet undergo a rehabilitation in the eyes of those for whom tinkering with inadequate equipment is more important than listening to the actual music coming out of it.

**NB those with a weak bladder will still have to rise from their chairs on a regular basis but there is, say Thrupiece Audio Labs boffins "nothing we can do about that". [Ed]

Much of the technology that goes into making a CD and manufacturing a CD player remains shrouded in mystery, patent protection and industry-standard secrecy protocols, so it is impossible to give a detailed technical briefing here. Suffice it to say that it's "damned complicated and fiendishly clever" and, as multi-award winning Hi-Fi journalist Shell Akk, says "far too involved for the ordinary hi-fi enthusiast to understand". Instead she says, we should just sit back and bathe in the glorious sounds of our favourist artistes, chanteuses and variety performers whilst marvelling at the absolute silence between the tracks**

** often the best bits [Ed]

Heart throb Frank Ified-Pretty will feature on the first ever Studio Master Gold remastering of his - in retrospects presciently-titled great hit "I'll Remember You (But You Won't Remember Me")

Early releases in the new format will include all the latest vibes, most notably, Ziggy and The Boners' greatest hits compilation "Our Biggest Boners" as well as an all-new remastering of Fernando Mediantepiezza and his Latin American Rhythm's "Agua, Agua". Current teenage sensation Frank Ifield will be the subject of the first ever CD-single, demand for which is expected to be high despite the new technology's - to many - prohibitive entry cost. Discs cost about £85 each and players - including the Perfect Audio BPCT-101 - start at £4,600 plus VAT for the basic model. An in-car player is promised for the future, though the heavy spring suspension required to protect the sensitive laser-tracking mechanism from road-induced vibrations probably means that it will be suitable only for HGVs, tractors and some steam engines.

EXPERIENCE THAT STUDIO SOUND FOR YOURSELVES [High quality headphones recommended foir the full effect]

Music courtesy Perfect Audio Ltd.

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