In The Soup

By Our Man in Resort Zac Inthos

The Sydling St Nicholas Sun has a crack team in resort and will stop at nothing to expose wrong-doing and sell as many newspapers as possible. Sizemore supporters describe the newspaper's antics as "unwarranted, intrusive, unpleasant and unbefitting".

The beach at Kalamaki - currently the playground and possibly point de triste of Dorset celebrity authoress [Oh for f**k's sake - how many times [Ed]] Ms Shelley-Lulette Sizemore - is, the Sydling St Nicholas Sun has learned, famous as a nesting site for the rare Mediterranean sea turtle [Chelonia Mydas Thrupieciensis]. That the ordinarily environmentally aware Ms Sizemore should have chosen it for her Autumn break is, says the paper's Environment, Litter, Congestion Zone and Climate Change Correspondent, C Levelle-Rise, "unfortunate to say the least". In an article for today's paper - "A Deep Screw* on the beach and saving the planet do not mix!", the opinion-leading newspaper's former Overseas Balearic Clubbing Correspondent turned Eco-warrior writes scathingly of those who "leave their environmental credentials at the airport, dropping their principles faster than their knickers whenever a late summer get-it-away-break hoves into view".

[*Believed to be the name of a local cocktail as in "Δώσε μου ένα βαθύ φύλο στην παραλία παρακαλώ Γιάννης, [Dóse mou éna vathý fýlo stin paralía parakaló Yiannis"] or [Give me a Deep Screw on the beach please Yiannis].]

No-one from within the S-LS camp was available for comment today, though a couple from Cambridge [England] who preferred not to be identified in case their respective partners discovered they were not at a Drexit-delayed Conservative Party Conference in Macclesfield but staying instead in a luxury double room at the same hotel as Ms Sizemore [the £2,000 per night exclusive all-inclusive Hotel Tortues Massacrées] vouched- safe that the Dorset celebrity authoress [see above [Ed]] had indeed been "skinny dipping" in the early hours and that she had not been alone. "She did go skinny dipping in the early hours and was not alone", Ms Ianda Le Bling confirmed. How many turtles were caused unnecessary distress by the sight of "human horizontal water-treading" is unknown at this point, "but they were splashing around quite a lot and one woman was making an awful lot of noise. There was also what looked suspiciously like a discarded thong on the boardwalk this morning. So putting 2 and 2 together ...".

A Distinction Rebel activist known only as Turdsy declined to say whether they would be mounting anti-Sizemore protests in the near future. "We've got rather a lot on our hands at the moment planning to disrupt the upcoming Edna Awards. Saving the planet might just have to wait for another day", he said.

The rare Mediterranean sea turtle [Chelonia Mydas Thrupieciensis or Chelonia Mydas Bruce Forsythis] is one of the world's most endangered species. It has few remaining nesting sites - the exclusive Kalamaki beach in Zakynthos being one of them. Reporters from the Sydling St Nicholas Sun have confirmed that it tastes delicious chargrilled in olive oil on an open barbecue.