Make Mine A Brazilian
Laboratory technicians working in the Infectious Diseases Clinic at Herston General Hospital have used advanced DNA sequencing techniques to isolate successfully the new Brazilian strain of the CONTRIK-69 virus Dorset Health Minister Angelov de’Ath revealed today.
The new CONTRIK-69 variant which, viewed under an electron microscope, has a strikingly distinctive morphology looks set to take the world by storm and become the most “common” - and quite possibly the most popular - form of the socially-transmitted disease, especially amongst young and unprotected people. It was first detected in the Woolland district; the carrier is believed to be a woman who had recently returned from a waxing salon where she had called in for "running repairs".
Though scientists say it is too early to determine whether this newer version of the virus is more dangerous and/or more infectious than its predecessor, surveys suggest that 70% of males find it a far more acceptable aesthetically, with 6 in 10 respondents admitting they would “give it a go” if the opportunity arose. Resistance to a Brazilian is thought to be significantly reduced in men between the ages of 18 and 76, whilst there is “mounting evidence” that many female respondents are also more accepting of the new variant. A group of progressively-minded women interviewed by Australia television believed that it might be smoother and less irritating, particularly as temperatures rise "down under".
Scientifically speaking, the Brazilian strain appears to be a "smarter" evolution of the virus. Having ditched the luxuriant surface growth of its predecessor and replaced it with a pared-down velcro-like strip, this natural mutation seems designed, experts suggest, to increase the likelihood of close bonding and thereby facilitate rapid chemical exchange [premature reticulation"*].
* Relating to or being an evolutionary process that involves the exchange of genes between organisms of different types or species [University of Afpudddle Dictionary of Science].
“All in all, it’s a very good example of a virus first surviving and then thriving by adapting to the susceptibilities and needs of its host” says Technical University of Melplash micro-biologist Sen-Tree Fuge. “Only by remaining acceptable to its carrier and an attractive proposition to any potential contact can it hope to outmanoeuvre rivals and land the big fish”. "Once exposed, it certainly reduces, by a significant factor, the chances of any 2 metre social-distancing taking place between consenting adults, whilst anyone going down the Brazilian route is certain to end up have a pretty close shave".