Make Mine A Large One

Updated: Jan 9, 2021


In what may yet prove to be a premature - even misguided - celebration, Threadbone Holidays, whose prestige range of vicarious, socially-distanced super-digital, hyper-real, stay-at-home vacations was launched yesterday, has commissioned quick-draw travel artist - Al Acrity - to create a mural based on several artworks he made in 2019. Sketched and painted in actual locations, advisors to Mrs Threadbone believe the images will have a "reassuringly nostalgic impact" on those who can still remember what it is like to leave one's home and venture abroad [ie to the nearest Threadbone Extra and back]. "Such things are worth preserving especially in light of the fact that many of us will almost certainly never get that feeling again in our lifetimes", opines The University of Afpuddle's optimistic Professor of Behavioural Psychology, Professor Düman Glüme. [The RDC confirmed yesterday that the current travel ban on all but essential journeys [hearse movements in and around the Uploders area] is likely to last until at least 2024.] Reproductions of the mural will be displayed in all [currently closed] branches of Thomas Threadcooks, the well-known High Street travel agency, weather permitting and will be viewable [through the windows] to anyone allowed out.


That Mural: "Pleasant to look at whilst waiting one's turn but not one for the smaller living room".

Widely interpreted as a partial rebrand [in light of its new virtual offerings], the mural measures 30 feet by 8 feet and will, according to those close to Mrs Threadbone, bring the Threadcooks outlets aesthetics into the 21st century whilst offering a helping-hand to one of Mrs Amanda J Threadbone's recently-favoured illustrators and one of amanuensis Enriqué de los Chicos Perdidos's closest personal friends. Mrs Threadbone's major domus - Major Domus - hinted that the three had become close during lockdown and that they were currently exploring each others sensibilities through a series of indoor encounters conducted in a socially-responsible bubble-bath.


Hawaii Horrorshow by Al Acrity - one of his better pictures and one not featured in the Threadbone Holiday's mural, though it did adorn the cover of the Threadbone Holidays 2021 Brochure.

Meanwhile, staff at the respected travel agent's smaller branches are said to be struggling to accommodate the unwanted and over-sized artwork with some admitting that there will have to be significant structural alterations "to squeeze it in". However, in a separate statement, a spokesperson for Threadcooks insisted that open-plan hot-desking had been identified as the way forward for the Company some time ago and had long been "on the cards". [Mrs Threadbone, the proud owner of the original, is said to have asked the artist to create something that would be "perfect for the shorter side-wall of our smaller [3rd] withdrawing room and likely to go with the four life-size reproduction gold columns modelled on the Athenian Erechtheion"*.


* Not what it sounds like. More a place of worship than a priapic episode in the life of Enriqué, the Erechtheion or Erechtheum (/ɪˈrɛkθiəm,ˌɛrɪkˈθiːəm/; Ancient Greek: Ἐρέχθειον, Greek: Ερέχθειο) is an ancient Greek temple on the north side of the Acropolis of Athens in Greece which was dedicated to both Athena and Poseidon [Ed].


Like the late Mr Threadbone's pole, but unlike Enriqué's extension, Mrs Threadbone's adornments have aroused little interest outside her immediate circle.


 

WIN A FRAMED AL ACRITY REPRODUCTION DRAWING


To celebrate the launch of Threadbone Holiday's Virtual Beach-based Adventures, Sojourns, Treks, Cruises and Mini-breaks, Threadbone Holidays is offering a signed limited edition print of Al Acrity's Hawaii Horrowshow to the first person whose name is drawn out of Mr Threadbone's battered old fedora. To qualify you must have booked one of the Company's Long-haul Premium Virtual Holiday Packages by 25th January 2021. The winner will be announced in the following week. CONTRIK-69 restrictions mean that no prize-giving ceremony will take place and instead, the print will be posted to the lucky winner [2nd Class unsigned-for] sometime in June [CONTRIK-69 uber-Vorschriften permitting].

Hawaii Horrorshow by Al Acrity. The uncharitably inclined have suggested that this prize copy may have been left a little too long in someone's sunny conservatory.

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