The City of Munich - a well-known centre of European culture and science - has today granted freedom of the city and an honoured place in its Bavaria Hall of Fame to English Culinary Bio-Ethics Professor Brian Thrupiece. The honour was bestowed in absentia.
Reading the citation, Chair of the Awarding Panel Prince Ludwig von Bahnhof said that, whilst it was unusual to make the award in absentia and, moreover, to someone who was not provably a native Bavarian, it was not unprecedented. Much the same allowance had been made, he said, in the case of Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ following a ruling by the Bavarian State Science and Eugenics Panel that the former prophet and Son of God would - "had he fully understood the situation" - almost certainly have chosen to be a Bavarian and most likely a Hohenzollern if only by marriage*. Conceding that the case of Professor Thrupiece was slightly different - he is the son of Brian Thrupiece Senior and not known to have any connection with Bavaria save a Last-Minute-Saver City-Break July-Getaway holiday in 2002 - Herr von Bahnhof explained that the sheer eminence and reputation of the "missing presumed disappeared" culinary bio-ethicist was such that "Die normalen Regeln gelten nicht". Making the award in absentia seemed sensible, he added, given that time was passing and "Der Tee wurde kalt".
*A subsequent inquiry has also established with a 95% probability that had Our Lord and Saviour been alive today and a follower of the Bundeslega he would almost certainly have supported Bayern Munich rather than Borussia Dortmund or Herta Berlin.
The Bavaria Hall of Fame has seen its fair share of controversy since it was opened in 1834, not least on the occasion of its renaming - as the Thrupiecium Munchen - in 2015. Then as now protesters were not slow to voice their concerns. Jürgen Klapp-Trappe and Adelgunde Schittstirrer have been vocal opponents of the de-purification of the strict Bavarian line since 2014 when the re-naming proposal was first made, arguing that "Sobald Sie einen Johnny Foreigner reingelassen haben, können Sie sie auch alle reingelassen. Wer als nächstes? Matt Monroe? Kathy Kirby? Leslie Crowther?"
Most of the press were content, however, to turn their teutonic ire on the bust itself - the work of sculptor - and wife of Award Chair Prince Ludwig von Bahnhof - Alma Maria Werfel-Gropius-Mahler-Nymphenberg-Chisel.
Describing her as "simply not up to the job", the Munchner Kulturelle Tagesnachrichten, added, "In seiner Art ist es ein künstlerisches Wunder. Wie jemand ein schönes Stück Marmor nehmen und es in diesen dampfenden Haufen bösartigen Mülls verwandeln kann, ist unverständlich. Es sieht weniger aus wie der Professor, sondern eher wie ein vorgebrochener Dickdarm in einem Müllsack. Sie sollte erschossen werden und wäre es in den Jahren 1939-45 wahrscheinlich anders gelaufen. Scheiß auf Churchill" [In its way it's an artistic miracle. How anyone can take a lovely piece of marble and turn it into this steaming pile of meretricious crap is beyond understanding. It looks less like the Professor and more like a prolapsed colon in a bin bag. She should be shot and had things gone differently in 1939-45 probably would have been. F**k Churchill.]