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Mystique’s Mustique Mistake

Dorset glamour model and Babedepot hostess Mystique Ramsbottom has admitted that it was "probably a mistake" to post on social media pictures of herself and her boyfriend relaxing on the golden beaches of Mustique as they sought to avoid the "lock-down/self-isolation scenario" by enjoying instead a £10,000 luxury have-it-away holiday escape. It is understood that the internet sensation has invited 200 guests to join her on the exclusive private Grenadines island as she and partner Shane celebrate her 23rd birthday and second consecutive year at the top of the Dorset’s Sexiest Phone-Chat Babe Chart.

Ms Ramsbottom's agent - Fred Pimp - was quick to defend the self-identifying bimbo [aka "the unthinking man's crumpet"] whose typically thoughtless behaviour was exposed by the Sydling St Nicholas Sun yesterday. Arguing that the popular star is entitled to some downtime after selflessly devoting a great deal of time and energy to improving the public mood by performing nightly horizontal jogging in front of a wide-angle webcam whilst maintaining a "conversation" on the telephone, he added that "As someone who brings pleasure and relief to thousands, Mystique deserves a break - both literal and metaphorical - and as far as I am aware, she hasn't burst her personal bubble or broken any local rules". Pressed as to whether he thought the trip to Mustique was, nonetheless, a mistake, he said "If it's good enough for Princess Margaret it's surely good enough for any other overpaid and over-exposed C-list celebrity". [Isn't Princess Margaret dead or am I thinking of Googie Withers? [Ed].]

Mystique on Mustique: the internet star [left] with unidentified companion. Agent Fred Pimp say she is quite used to seeing wood, but that the kind she is familiar with rarely needs propping up.

However, a spokesperson for the RDC - Special Constable Ronald Killjoy - begged to differ. "I count at least 15 actual contraventions of internationally-recognised CONTRIK-69 protocols, 12 potential breaches of CONTRIK-69 best practice, 4 citable examples of participation in activities contrary to the public interest and 2 actions currently unlawful under "Tendency to Raise False Hope" Directives. If and when she returns to the UK, she can expect an enthusiastic welcoming party and a s**t-load of trouble. We will certainly be sanitising her telephone - we know very well where that's been."

That letter to the Sun: a heart-felt statement of support from which Mystique will doubtless derive great comfort.

In the meantime, Mystique's legion of fans have jumped to her defence with one of her nearly literate Twitter-followers - a man capable, apparently, of holdino a pen in the hand he is not using for other purposes - submitting a letter to the Sydling St Nicholas Sun demanding an apology, no VAT on wet-wipes, justice for the Bridport Three [???] and reduced postage on illustrated subscription magazines.

The man, who prefers to remain nameless, but whose online "handle" is Girthbrooks, said he and his friends had considered threatening a boycott, but in the event hadn't bothered since no-one knew how to spell it. Friend Iain aka Plugmaster agreed, adding "Yea, I cunt spell it neeva".

Ms Ramsbottom is expected to return to the UK early next week. She is due to launch the all new BabedepotExtra on 13th February. A spokesperson for the RDC suggested fans might want to curb any nascent enthusiasm. "She may not currently be locked down, but she'll soon be locked-up. Several of my officers are rather looking forward to spending time in a cell with her".

Coming soon on a cable channel near you.

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