Night Of More Than Half A Dozen Stars
Following more than a year of radio silence [both literal* and metaphorical] The Thrupiece Philharmonic Orchestra returns to work this weekend when it features as "the house band" at the newly re-opened Teatro del Amanda J Threadbone, Sutton Poyntz. Under the baton of former Guest Conductor and now temporary permanent replacement Principal Conductor Maestro Såphpäar O'Hands, it will accompany a number of local singers in the Theatre's Opening Gala - billed as a "Night Of More Than Half A Dozen Stars". Singers Katarina Jenkinssonnsonn, Leslee Garrotte, Alfonso Boe, Paolo Potto, Charlotte Chiesa and Rouselle Whats'on will be amongst those making an appearance as well as attempting a song, or as the oipera cognoscenti prefer, "aria"**. Organisers have also offered the tantalising prospect of a "mystery guest" [widely rumoured to be Dorset favourite Sir Paul Meccano] who will perform a medley of 1960s, 1970s and 1980s classic Ziggy and the Boners hits in what remains of his own voice.
*the orchestra lost its Lunchtime Concert contract with the Dorset Broadcasting Corporation in April 2020 following a dispute over repertoire with permanently furloughed Chief Conductor and artistic Director Maestro Irina Legova - in particular her decision only to play music by living Russian LGTBI+ composers with at least 4 years exile in Siberia under their belts.
**including the famous football anthem Nessun Dorma [roughly Shut the f**k up I'm trying to sleep" by former Boner rhythm guitarist Jimmy Porcini]
For members of the orchestra - many of whom have been without a permanent income since last March - the concert cannot come too soon.
Leader and virtuoso violinist - Onalee Won-Stingtoomabo - who has been "scratching a living doing requests on street corners" is happy to be taking up her instrument of choice once again after a tough year. "Meeting and satisfying the demands of strange men when they walk up to you on the streets is hard on the mind as well as the body", she explains. "You have to be flexible, broadminded, fearless and ready for anything... You won't believe what some of them ask you to do, but it's all about making it through. I can't tell how often I've just closed my eyes, flexed my fingers and done it for Dorset".
Back amongst her colleagues in the relative comfort of Teatro del Amanda J Threadbone's Salle Whisky-McNightly, Onalee and her fellow musicians are hoping to put all that behind them as they dust themselves down, tune up and prepare to play on. "It's great to be back amongst all the bickering, back-stabbing, unlikley liaisons and vicious politics of a symphony orchestra" says principle oboist DuBelle Reede as she prepares to re-enter the concert-making fray. "There's nothing like the sound of an orchestra falling out to quicken the pulse and convince one that we are finally getting back to normality. Socially-distanced rows just don't do it for me".
Ordinary tickets for this - the first full audience event at the Teatro del Amanda J Threadbone event - are sold out, but VIP packages which include interval cheese and pickle sandwiches and a glass of Babycham are still available from £700 upwards.
Following the recent announcement by DHRA's PM Mrs Doris Endersely-Kindesley that Stage 24b[iii c.II] of the CONTRIK-69 Easement Plan is to be abandoned indefinitely, the TPO's planned "Night Of More Than Half A Dozen Stars" has been postponed. Members of the public have been told that they will be offered alternative entertainment [a non-live-streamed over the air event "Celebrating the 1950s" with Fernando Mediantepiezza and his Latin Rhythms tribute-band Rio Ferdinand and the Medium-Sized Pizzas] whilst members of the orchestra have been advised to resume whatever activity was "seeing them through until last week". A visibly distraught Onalee Won-Stingtoomabou was unavailable for comment but, having surrendered her spot on the corner of the High STreet and Binstock Drive, Dewlish, is available for children's parties, bar mitzvah and socially-distanced closing ceremonies.
Our catering correspondent Branston Pickell has further advised that those who have already purchased VIP Packages for the postponed concert should contact organisers asap to ensure that their interval sandwiches are delivered to their homes in time for the Rio Ferdinand and the Medium-Sized Pizzas relay. Failure to do so may result in late arrival with no guarantee that the sandwiches will still be in an edible condition.