An unlikely wedding took place yesterday at the parish church of Our Lady of the Sacred Ablutions, Toller Fratrum between Dorset’s most incontinent woman Alwys Tinklin (24) and Dorset’s most flatulent man Noah Proppa-Corke (38). The bride - who has admitted to friends that she can’t go more than 2 minutes - and the groom - who can "hardly stop going at all" - were supported throughout the ceremony by family and friends, a heavy-duty extractor fan and a beautifully decorated "bridal" bucket. The bride wore a white easy-change stretch jump suit and Nike trainers.
The swift-moving ceremony was presided over by vicar, friend and fellow gastric sufferer Tommy Rumbles but was not sponsored by Bona-cott the well-known manufacturers of Plan B "the special preparation for problems down-under" as an earlier report in the Franham Daily Press had alleged. That issue aside, editors of the Thrupiece Book of Records Boris and Cross McWhirling-Dervish believe that yesterday's turbo-charged nuptuals did set something of a record, being the first ever wedding to be concluded in just under 95 seconds. Happily, the two minute deadline imposed by the bride's "ongoing condition" allowed just sufficient time for the couple to rush up the aisle, garble several highly-edited vows and exchange rings before Ms Tinklin made a run for the temporary facilities leaving a red-faced Mr Proppa-Corke both happy and, seconds later, much relieved.
Earlier the bride’s entrance music had been the now traditional “Just keep holding on” (arranged for organ by Addinsell Threadbone) whilst the exit music (unheard by the bride and, for those standing close to the groom, some of the audience) was “I just have to let it go” by Mr Proppa-Corke’s favourite group - 60s rock legends Ziggy and the Boners. Guests said afterwards that this was the first time they had seen the point of, and been grateful for, well-ventilated, socially distanced arrangements.
The brief vol-au-vents-based reception was held in the Great Hall of Winterborne Monckton Priory - a location better known as the place where the late Mr Threadbone first proposed to Mrs Amanda J Threadbone and where his ashes were scattered following immolation after his motorised mini-tractor incident. The celebrations over, a hired car [with all of its windows well down despite the unseasonal chill] took the happy couple from the reception to their undisclosed honeymoon destination. It was not festooned with the now traditional toilet rolls but was, appropriately, fuelled by natural gas. The bride's younger brother, chief usher and mobile "dignity screen" carrier Willy Tinklin said he believed the couple were headed for Wales since Mr Propper-Corke had told him that once the wedding was over, he was "going to Bangor for a week".
Best man Ayrton Senna-Kot and chief bridesmaid Kath Etter agreed that following the usual old wedding tropes by festooning their getaway vehicle with toilet-based impedimenta would have been wholly inappropriate in this day and age. “Just because she can’t hold it in and he can’t stop farting shouldn’t be a source of amusement [though, of course, it is]". "In their own way they are both digestively-challenged and, in these days of political correctness, you shouldn’t mock the afflicted let alone take the piss", Mr Senna-Kot said with a knowing smile. "Still in its own way it's quite a gas and we did consider throwing peas instead of rice but wondered if people would get the joke”, [as do I [Ed]] he added.
It was later revealed that the couple will in fact honeymoon in Shitterton before moving into their especially modified home in Thatwass Close, Piddletrenthide. It boasts several on-suites and a spare for guest use.