top of page

Parking Issues


The RDC was reported to be on high alert this morning after thwarting what they believe to have been an attempt to damage and perhaps even destroy their state-of-the-art public incarceration and crime prevention, detection and elimination facility [aka RDC HQ] in Great Heaving.


A Mazda 626 of the type - but by no means in the same condition - as the one seen entering the RDC Executive Car Park last evening.

At about 8pm last evening a vehicle gained access to the executive car park, pulled-up "illegally" in a bay clearly marked "Sir Rising Crimewave only" and, according to one observer, "began ticking". The car - believed to be a Mazda 626 manufactured in or around 2002 - had attatched to it a number of distinctive stickers - one the popular "Canford Cliffs - The Fun Stops Here" badge [available from Seaside SouvenirsR'Us, The Esplanade, Canford Cliffs priced £3] and the other a more rare "F**k the RDC Bastard Pigs" [possibly home-made] emblem. Police are hopeful these will help them trace the owner who was seen fleeing the car park, headed in an easterly direction, shouting "I don't want to die" and - more enigmatically - "What if the 72 includes my wife?"*.


*Greater Dorset Transport have confirmed there is no bus route carrying that number, whilst the Sydling St Nicholas Sun's Mystic Margery believes there is little or no astral significance to the digits unless it be that 6 [the number of days of the week minus one] x 12 [the number of eggs in a Threadboneextra Securely-Caged-Hens economy range - ideal for baking - bumper pack] equals 72 - or "the number I first thought of".


After searching inside the vehicle police recovered a pair of sunglasses, a Palestinian-type scarf and a haversack containing the receipt for a tuna mayonnaise sandwich, a Waitaminute loyalty Card in the name of Irene and a bottle of lighter fluid. They later discovered a packet of travel sweets and a biro "hiding in plain sight" in the unlocked glove compartment. The reported ticking sound remains unexplained - no chronometer, timer or their like was recovered from the vehicle - but local mechanic and owner of the Le M.O.T. Juste garage - Phil Herruppe - thinks it may just have been the sound of the engine cooling - a common occurence in the 2002 1.2 litre B spec models.


Those tell-tale stickers. RDC experts believe that they indicate the car is unlikely to belong to a well-adjusted middle aged registered certified accountant with a name similar to Keith.

In the meantime, there is no word on the identity of the driver, though several passers by describe "a not very young man in a hurry", "possibly with a beard" and "almost certainly wearing glasses". It is also thought he may have had a dish-cloth or perhaps a floppy turban-type wrap-around on his head, though this may have been "a trick of the light".


The RDC confirmed this morning that there is a reward for anyone providing information leading to an arrest. Offered by the Never Go It Alone Disceet Escort Agency, East Creech, it includes an all expenses paid overnight stay for two to the El Paradiso Guest House, Batcombe Beach [Full English & Halal breakfast available to order]. The lucky winner can select - free of charge - a female companion from their exclusive Jasmina range of 72 variously "tonsured" and famously broad-minded ladies.

4 views0 comments
bottom of page