Poles Apart

Monday's Sydling St Nicholas Sun witnessed the debut of the paper's new star columnist Wythma Klose-Orff aka Ms Brandy Mystique. Ms Brandy Mystique is not, as far as we are aware, renowned for her journalistic abilities nor readily associated with homespun advice - well-intentioned or otherwise. Indeed Ms Klose-Orff - as she now prefers to be known - is a former Stringbonefellows pole and lap dancer who had been operating somewhat under the radar until she became an active participant in a sting operation designed to expose the tabloid's shabby reporting methods, passing herself off as Ms Shelley-Lulette Sizemore en route to a secret triste with an unknown gentleman on the Greek island of Zakynthos. Having properly fooled the red top's editor Ron Nasty, the enterprising Mr Nasty decided to turn defeat into victory by taking her into his employ to write a thrice-weekly column on topics of interest to her and possibly - though it seems somewhat far-fetched - the newspaper's biddable readership.

She has indicated in her first "think piece" that she will occasionally be assisted in her "writing" by sister Tekma Klose-Orff and their Russian cousin Getma Kitov. All three are graduates of the Estonian Academy of Performing Arts [Pole Division] in Tallinn and, though each has appeared in the press in various states of undress, none have any previous experience of entertaining the nation via the written word. We venture to suggest that Shakespeare has, as yet, no immediate need to quake in his boots, though he ought perhaps to be on high alert with regard to turning in his grave.

Brandy Mystique: My World, as told to A Ghozt-Wryta can be found in Monday, Wednesday and Friday's Sydling St Nicholas Sun. Her column stretches to a full 200 words.

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Here several of our regular critics offer their views on Ms Brandy Mystique's debut as a columnist:

"Really? What's it all about Brandy [Is it just for the moment we live]?" Harry Stottle, Philosophy Correspondent [assisted by Burt Backatrack, Composer and Producer]

"As a Doctor, I am often asked what I think about pole and lap dancers writing newspaper columns... This is not an easy question to answer ..." Dr Steth O'Scope, Author of "A Doctor Writes"

"She has balls and certainly knows how to score... as for the writing? It has penalty - or at least off-side - written all over it." Che Stadium, Sports Correspondent

"As flat and vacuous as a collapsed soufflé" Sàga Äga, Cookery Correspondent

"All Sooty and no Sweep", Izzy Whizzy, Magic Correspondent

"In value for money terms, this is more bit-shit than bitcoin", Mort Gage, Finance Correspondent

"Crap", Osama Bin-Liner, Refuse Correspondent

"She's done a great job for me", Shelley-Lulette Sizemore, Brandy-Mystique Tribute Act

That's quite enough free publicity [Ed].