Poles Apart


Being an occasional series in which we review how some of the County's older professions are coping in the face of ever more onerous CONTRIK-69 restrictions.



#18 The Dorset Pole and Lap Dancing Clubs


Our Gentlemen's Club Correspondent Ava Wanke writes:


Though many businesses are suffering as a result of the impact of additional CONTRIK-69 regulations, spare a thought for the Dorset Pole and Lap-dancing industries - now said to be on a slippery slope and a serious slide. Once a multi-million pound contributor to the Dorset economy, this much-misunderstood and much-maligned arm of the entertainment sector is going through particularly difficult times. Take for example flagship company and industry "benchmark" setter Stringbonefellows whose new MD - society hostess Drusilla Parker-Knowles [formerly Drusilla Likhtarovich sometime lap dancer and, more recently, Dorset Executive Regional Manager] - has revealed that, in addition to the huge infrastructural burdens of socially-distanced performance, the company is facing serious bills for perspex sheeting, self-isolation booths, sensitised rubber ware, portable spray guards, disposable towels and high capacity filtration systems. All that in addition "mounting" problems, as well as pressing recruitment issues.


Experienced performer Kylie says that even for her heavy breathing - like heavy thighs - is an impediment to a successful climax.

"To begin with" she says, "there are the girls themselves, not only do they have to continue to look provocative in industrial grade face masks ["When no one can see your lips, what's the point in licking them?" Dorset Gentlemen' Club Review September 2020], but they have to leave 40 minutes intervals between performances, a strict regime of thong disposal [customers can't take them home anymore], stay 12 metres from a punter [sanitised opera glasses provided] and then they have to wipe down all of their own surfaces, gaps and crevices. I mean it's just ridiculous. Most of them could have satisfied half a dozen customers in the time it takes just to rub down a pole. And if a buttock has even brushed a table top it's on with the marigolds and out with the bucket. Try explaining four page bio-security protocols and self-wiping to girl whose only just got out of a container from Poland."


And the girls are only half the story. Mrs Parker-Knowles goes on: "As for the punters well all I can say is face masks and heavy breathing do not go! And the ones with glasses? Well from 12 metres they might as well be looking at the wife doing the washing up. Of course they're quite used to the no touching rule and they do generally keep their hands to themselves but now they have to wear an apron and apply all-over sanitiser even if they've no immediate plans to do anything. Talk about contactless! You'd think they'd be allowed to "turn on their own sprinklers" so to speak without having to fill in a track-and-trace and reach for the Dettox. All in all it puts you right off your stroke".


Kylie with her friend and recent arrival from Poland Malgorzata Copulova. Ms Copulova says the container journey was uncomfortable but at least there were no silly social-distancing rules and none of the girls wore masks.

In a bid to ease the situation, representatives from the industry have met with the Personal Health Minster Ben Ogle and say they are encouraged by the fact that he is no stranger to their business. "He knows the girls inside and out and I've a feeling that, with them in mind, he's definitely going to pull out something big", says an upbeat Mrs Parker-Knowles. "He's obviously used to things landing on his lap like this and I'm hoping he'll mull it over, realise what side his bread's buttered on and give it the full beans - and, of course, it will be a relief to all of us if he comes up with something quickly".

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