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Raising The Alarm

A spokesperson for the Royal Dorset Constabulary has confirmed that police were called to the University of Afpuddle's Waitaminute Guaranteed Safe Space today following the outbreak of a "terrifying" series of micro-aggressions. The incidents occurred during an open discussion on gender neutral washroom facilities enforcement policy when at least one speaker was "tutted at" and two others had eyebrows raised against them. Police later confirmed that no arrests had been made but that several senior members had been referred to the appropriate authorities for retraining.

The University has a zero tolerance policy with regard to micro-aggression with Vice Chancellor for Anonymous Student Whistleblowing - Professor Dobbem-Inne - spearheading a taskforce charged with eliminating it "in whatever form it is found and at whatever the cost to the careers of the presumed guilty party involved". Senior Members over the age of 26 are already required to attend biennial retraining and awareness courses.

According to the University of Afpuddle's Micro-behaviours Policy Guidelines, prohibited forms of micro-aggression include: interrupting a person whilst they are speaking, mispronouncing foreign names, failing to restrain facial ticks or other signs of disapproval, eye-rolling, sniffing, eyebrow plucking [surely a msitake [Ed]], shrugging, questioning another's opinion and shaking hands politely when a full courtsey would be more appropriate [eg when meeting Mrs Threadbone].*

* Micro-aggression** should not be confused with the even more heinous crime of microassault: a type of overt discrimination or criticism undertaken intentionally to discredit a person or group [other than white middle class males]. This type of microassault includes indirect put-downs, belittling or bullying behavior, making jokes, posting historically offensive symbols, such as flags, portraits or statues [especially of suspected slave traders], making slurs related to religion, sexuality or tv crime series preferences, or other language or actions that signal to the victimized individual or group that they are inferior and fair game for mistreatment or bias.

** micro-agression should be distinguished from micro-invalidation*** ie making verbal comments or behaviors that exclude, negate, or nullify the psychological thoughts, feelings or experiential reality of a person from anywhere other than Dorset.

*** micro-invalidation should not be confused with the concept of a micro-insult. A micro-insult is characterized by communication that conveys rudeness and insensitivity and demeans a person's heritage or identity [eg Did you hear the one about the Cornishman, the Devonian and the Somerset cheese-eater]. Micro-insults represent subtle snubs, frequently unknown to the perpetrator, but clearly conveying a hidden insulting message to the person from anywhere other than Dorset eg Do you fart like that because you are from Batcombe?

NB All of the above can occur in unconscious [bad], conscious [worse], passive [terrible] or active [unbelievably unforgivable] form. If you believe you may be responsible for any of these behaviours yiou should report at once to the University of Afpuddle's Senior Member Re-education Centre, surrendering your passport, dignity, personality and self-esteem to the Officer in Charge.

Meanwhile, University of Afpuddle Campus Police PC Enforcement Officers are keen to hear from any member the public who might know the whereabouts of a man known only as Professor ?? who they would like to question in connection with the recent open meeting. He is said to harbour old-fashioned views, identify with the traditionalist wing of the DHRA and enjoy engaging with anyone interested in holding a civilized conversation. He is known to be "gently persuasive", has "mobile eyebrows and an occasionally questioning look" and is accordingly considered very dangerous. He should be approached with extreme caution and reported to the authorities before he can harm any other young minds.

THE RDC have also provided a helpline for anyone who believes they may have come into contact with this man and been exposed to his moderate views.

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