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Rising Pressure

DATELINE: 28.06.2024 14.00


A Revised Statement from the Chief Constable of the Royal Dorset Constabulary, Sir Rising Crimewave

It has been brought to my attention that, a further photograph has emerged which may call into question the veracity of my previous statement in which I stated I had never met the lady referred to by Colonel John Thomas Handin-Trowsers [Rtd] - former Conservative MP for Bradpole South and prominent member of The Gentleman's Club, Drimpton -  in his recent letter to "A Reader Writes". Whilst I believed this statement to be completely true at the time, I now have reason to question my exact memory and have self-referred myself to Lady Crimewave. She is now considering the matter.


In the meantime, I wish to put on record that not only did I meet with the lady on at least one occasion but also to state categorically that - as memory serves - she was completely naked and pushing a wheelbarrow at the time. I believe that a photographic record of this encounter exists and that it may, even as I speak, have fallen into the wrong [ie Lady Crimewave's] hands. Her insistence on checking my gold security standard police issue mobile telephonic device shortly after lunch today now makes rather more sense.


So to be clear, once and for all, I did - strictly in the line of duty - meet with and exchange pleasantries with a scantily clad lady recently identified as Claudia on a date I no longer recall. Any involvement I may have had with her [which did not involve the simultaneous participation of Colonel Handin-Trowsers] was as professional as she is and was undertaken as a direct result of my willingness as Chief Constable to put myself in the line of fire whenever I suspect that serious crime is being committed. This is often demanding yet satisfying work and I cannot expect younger officers to do what I as Chief Constable am unwilling to do myself. As an accompanying photograph attests I believe in covering my Privates.


On the day in question, Bothenhampton Police Station received a call from an anxious citizen who reported that his neigbour was working in her garden "as stark bollock naked as the day she was born". Fearing a potential breach of the peace [as well as the possibility that the incident would be over by the time I arrived], I rushed to the scene with all possible speed pausing only to pick up my high-powered police issue 200x binoculars and a high definition bodycam.


On arrival I found the young lady in possession of a wheelbarrow and little else and concluded that for her own safety I should take down her particulars and probe as deeply as I could into her private affairs. Only after I had coaxed her inside and examined her more closely was I able to satisfy myself completely. Having done so, I left, leaving a small contribution to her preferred charity and the feeling of a job well done.

I do not regret my actions and - though I recognise they are open to misinterpretation by the mean spirited and the dirty minded [not excluding Lady Crimewave] - do not regard this as a resignation issue. Situations such as the one I have described occur almost every day and are part of the warp and weft of community policing. Indeed if offered the same opportunity again [especially by "Claudia"], I would seize it with both hands. Experience [like the photograph] strongly suggests that one would be insufficient to the task.


No further statements will be forthcoming on this matter until and unless further evidence of my complicity in similar events [over many years] reaches the public domain.

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