DATELINE: 28.06.2024 11.00
A Statement from the Chief Constable of the Royal Dorset Constabulary, Sir Rising Crimewave
It has been brought to my attention that, in a recent letter to "A Reader Writes", Colonel John Thomas Handin-Trowsers [Rtd] - former Conservative MP for Bradpole South and prominent member of The Gentleman's Club, Drimpton - makes reference to an alleged conversation between myself and himself [date and location unspecified] during which I [again allegedly] endorsed his view that that the ears of corn depicted in the background of a portrait of a scantily clad young lady might have been the inspiration for a scene in the Roman-themed horror film Glad I Ate Her?
I wish to put on record that not only did this conversation - to the best of my recollection - never take place, but also to state categorically that - as memory serves - I do not recall that I ever saw either the portrait of the said scantily clad woman nor the film Glad I Ate Her. Lady Crimewave - than whom there is no greater authority when it comes to my choices, predilictions and tastes - would be the first to confirm this, were she willing to do so; which she currently is not, due only to a misunderstanding between us over a photograph which found its way inexplicably onto my gold security standard police issue mobile telephonic device. Once this small inconvenience is resolved she will, I am almost certain willingly "bat on my behalf" if coerced into doing so. A short cooling off period is perfectly normal in these circumstances.
To be clear, once and for all, I wish to put the matter of the scantily clad lady and any involvement I may have had with her [with or without the simultaneous participation of Colonel Handin-Trowsers] completely to bed. I have no recollection of ever meeting with her and should any photograph of me doing so emerge, it will without question be a fake.
No further statements will be forthcoming on this matter until and unless further evidence of my complicity in the alleged events [and any subsequent cover up] reaches the public domain.
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