Friends of the late Professor Brian Thrupiece* were said to be shocked and appalled by "revelations" disclosed in the much publicised and - by some - much anticipated autobiography of Harry Thrupiece ["as told to ghost writer Kuttan Payste"] which finally hit bookstores this week. Heavily promoted through media interviews, systematic leaks and a high profile THREADFLICKS documentary series, the sensational kiss and tell, warts and all story is already number fifteen in the Threadstones sales charts and - says the bookseller - rising fast.
*Surely some mistake. Whatever credence might - according to view - have been lent by the publication of this travesty to the idea that Professor Thrupiece is "no longer with us" no convincing evidence has ever been produced to support such a ludicrous contention. professorthrupiece.com can confirm that, according to Les Autorités Suisses, the Thrupiece file remains very much open and investigations continue on the assumption "no longer with us" means "not currently in residence at the Hotel Cornarvin" .
Spawn - the autobiographical account of the man who claims to be the lovechild of Professor Thrupiece and an undisclosed female laboratory assistant [who died suspiciously in a high speed trolley accident whilst transporting a volatile fluff-based substance from cold storage to a high temperature fusion facility] is without question the publishing sensation of 2023.
According to our Literary Editor, Page Turner, the book "lifts the lid" on the Thrupiece "family", spilling the beans in an intimate yet visceral no-holds-barred account that will likely shake the Threadbone Corporation to its very foundations. "Professor Thrupiece is viewed as such a saint, that the merest suggestion that he might not have been all that he was cracked up to be will be deeply damaging to all those invested in his image and reputation", she said, "whilst the frank admission of adolescent indiscretion on the part of Harry himself will likely endear him to the younger generation who will identify with his many flaws, lack of discretion, self-absorption, betrayal of confidences, transference of blame and responsibility, stereotyping of adults, malicious character assassination, faulty memory and mendacious interpretation of allegedly formative events".
Shocking revelations include:
an account of Harry being forced to sit his own GCSE examinations when he had been promised by his father that he would sit them for him [he achieved only 2 GCSEs in Photoshop Manipulation and Creative Recollection] "I was sobbing as I opened the envelope and the smell of failure hung heavy in the air"
losing his virginity at the age of twelve to a clippy on the Number 13 Batcombe-Corfe Mullen bus. "She rode me lik a passenger for more than a mile and discarded me like a punched ticket"
not receiving for Xmas the Scalextric Cooper Maserati Racing Set he had been promised by his wicked stepmother (the beautiful Ms Shelley-Lulette Sizemore?) "Imagine my disappointment as I tore off the paper only to find a Boys Illustrated Book of Knowledge. I mean I was fifteen and had only just learned to read whole sentences"
being bullied at the exclusive £45,000 per term St Clothilde's Boading School for Girls. "I realised after a few months that I was different from all the others and just didn't fit in. Though I offered to show them mine, no-one would show me theirs. It was an exclusive club and my member[ship] was not welcome"
being hounded by the Sidling St Nicholas Mirror who twice approached him for an exclusive interview. "Mr Payste had not quite finished writing my book for me and I didn't know what I had written yet so it was hard for me to talk to the press who were, in my opinion unnecessarily inquisitive, intrusive and unwilling to offer a high enough fee"
meeting his soul mate Morgan Marbles at the Piddletrenthide point-to-point "I sniffed the air. It was redolent of sweat and horse manure. It reminded me of mother. I turned around and there was Morgan. It felt like fate. "Hello", I said. "Hello", she replied as naturally as if she had been doing it all her life. Instantly knew we were soul mates. We had so much in common: a love of self, a dislike of others and an inability to make the right choices or do the decent thing. We soon discovered we shared a passion for shirking responsibility, taking the easy way out and finding quick ways to make a buck without asking too many awkward questions
slaughtering 27 pigeons, 13 grouse, 12 voles and a cockroach on a visit to Sutton Poyntz menagerie "I am not proud of myself but it was them or me. Only one of us was going to get out alive and it was definitely going to be me since I had the twelve bore and they were defenceless creatures" . [NB In any second printing and/or the paperback version, this story will be redacted after complaints from the Dorset Small Animals Rescue Service of which Mr and Mrs Thrupiece are patrons]
eating pizza with cousins whilst it was alleged Harry was in fact groping young women in another part of town. "I know for certain I was eating pizza. It was a particularly fiery Sloppy Joe's which made me sweat profusely - something that a rare medical condition generally prevents me from doing" [This particular anecdote has provided fuel for the fact-checkers who insist that the book contains so many "faulty memories" and provable inaccuracies as to be unreliable. The member of the family suspected of "being unable to keep it in his trousers" is in fact Harry's cousin Antony. This may, some psychotherapists believe be an example of guilt absorption - a from of self loathing common amongst over-indulged younger siblings without proper jobs and too high an opinion of their status an worth.
losing granny "I rushed to he bedside, but I was too late. Alas she had died five years before I was born"
frightening moment when the couple prepared to escape to the US. "Our gofers had mislaid the tickets and our equally useless staff had forgotten to apply for our ESTAs. No amount of physical or verbal abuse seemed to make the slightest difference - they just stood there pretending they had no idea they were menials and that they had put us in danger. Morgan was in tears. At one point we were worried she would have to carry her own handbag onto the aeroplane"
That's enough excerpts [Ed]. Just get on with the special promotional offer: Buy one get ten free.
IN OTHER NEWS
Charity Shops inundated with unread copies of Spawn. Chair of Dorset Charities Union says: "we have stopped accepting copies, our shelves are full of them and we can't pulp them quickly enough".
ditv to screen full two minute interview with Harry and Morgan. "we know we have burned our bridges but will try to rebuild our boats or is that fences or is it the other way round"
Harry and Morgan issue new press statement: "The rest of the family are being beastly". "They won't confirm they are as horrible as I say they are and accuse me of having written a book. Everyone knows that's a lucrative [surely ludicrous [Ed] idea"