professorthrupiece.com has learned that the Royal Dorset Constabulary is set to announce today that it will begin to deploy specially-trained sniffer dogs in "selected circumstances and locations" in an attempt to reinforce plans to reduce the spread of "sexual activity" throughout the Dorset region.
The dogs - which can detect pheromones at distances of up to 12 feet - will be used at rock concerts, festivals and "other places of concern" where the likelihood of sexual activity occurring between consenting adults is known to be high. The RDC has long campaigned to curtail free congress and believes that the current CONTRIK-69 crisis strengthens its hand as scientific evidence mounts that the chances of spreading the virus increase exponentially during intimacy. "Whilst we recognise that many adults feel the need to employ their own and occasionally other people's body parts from time to time for what some regard as legitimate recreational purposes, we also note that some derive a good deal of gratuitous pleasure from the mere exercise of such freedoms and, at the same time, take note the "mounting" evidence that unbridled personal intimacy of this kind spreads more than just a sense of well-being".
Operation Doggy Style is believed to be the largest single personal-preference-expression prevention campaign the RDC has yet instigated. It will involve 12 dogs, 18 officers and one and a half tons of anti-bacterial wipes. The operation is expected to last at least until Christmas though contingency plans to extend it throughout the Festive Season ["there's a lot goes on in private homes when it's cozy inside, there's nothing on the telly and people are reluctant* to go out"] have already been drawn up.
* later corrected to "prohibited from going out"
Festival aficionado and sexual freedom campaigner Gwen Hever-Eyewant, who has long campaigned for the right to "Have it off with my boyfreind" branded the Constabulary's latest plans as "intrusive" and accused Chief Constable Sir rising Crimewave of being a "prudish killjoy". "Under the guise of Public Health, these people are just determined to stamp out all forms of joyous expression and use any excuse available to them to become more and more involved in our private lives. I mean who wants to live in a country where you need police permission to have a shag?*"
* Sir Rising Crimewave apparently [Ed]
Our Sexual and Public Health Correspondent Pru Fylle-Aktik adds:
The latest government advice to those determined to "express themselves with their partners" is that they should avoid face-to-face contact by adopting positions which minimise the risk of mouth-to-mouth spread - however risqué or distasteful these may be considered to be in more normal circumstances. In what may be a classic case of making appropriate adaptations to circumstance, the public is advised that variety may be the spice of life though position 57 is not recommended per se. All of this advice is to be encapsulated in a new RDC "safe-sex" slogan: Think CONTRIK - Think 69.]