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Swiss on a Roll?


Today's Mappowder Mirror harbours few doubts about the authenticity of the recently released photographs.

Fears that the aftermath [? [Ed]] of Drexit might further compromise the already "strained" relationship between The Royal Dorset Constabulary and their "inept" [Sydling St Nicholas Sun] continental counterparts Les Autorités Suisses were shown to be groundless today as, hosting a joint press conference, Sir Rising Crimewave and celebrity "oppo" Commissaire Arsène Bérglàre updated a packed press room on the latest developments in the Professor Thrupiece "missing presumed disappeared" person of interest case.


This is the fourth such conference in as many years and none so far has proven the decisive step forward Thrupiece-followers have long hoped for.


[For the benefit of the four people who have self-isolated for the past 15 years in fear of infection from the BBC News virus, we note here that the Professor disappeared from a Swiss hotel room whilst attending the Annual RSCBE Ednas Ceremony in Geneva in 2005, leaving only a note to long-time horizontal jogging partner Ms Shelley-Lulette Sizemore. A note found at the scene and said to be in the Professor's unmistakable hand suggested that he had "just popped out" and would be back soon. Initial reports that he had suffered a fatal injury as a result of an encounter with an incorrectly-wired small electrical appliance were later questioned [though not discounted] when no corpse was found. The clippers were immediately impounded but disappeared from the secure Swiss evidence store in c2011 fuelling speculation that all was not as watertight it should be in the investigative and administrative affairs of Les Autorités Suisses. Something of a maverick, Commissaire Bérglàre has not escaped personal criticism in the matter, several observers [particularly amongst RDC insiders] suggesting he has been less than diligent, even less than professional and "frankly continentally cavalier" in his conduct of the inquiry.]


Recently, many had speculated that the absence of recent news about the case - reflected in these pages as elsewhere - meant that the already stone-cold trail had entered the deep freeze phase and that nothing more would be heard from the "Geneva end". Further, delivery last year to the Geneva HQ of Les Autorités Suisses of a series of cartons marked "Unsolved Cold Case NOT TO BE RE-OPENED until 2040" only added to the rumours that the whole affair was being "balayé sous le tapis" or "tranquillement oublié dans l'espoir que toute l'affaire désolée disparaîtrait".


Almost invisible to the naked eye, so-called "Super-recognbisers" can spot similarities between image of people in an instant. Les Autorités Suisses employ two such people - the vastly experienced Bi and Tri Focal.

Today, however, comes news that a grainy photograph of a figure approaching a rural telephone booth near Vufflens-le-Châteaua [a village close to Geneva] may be that of the Professor. The indistinct figure appears, photo-experts say, to be wearing the same clothing and the same hat as well as smoking the same pipe as the Professor who was clearly captured in a security photograph taken in a Geneva alleyway at approximately 5.30 on the day of his disappearance.


A spokesman for Sir Rising Crimewave described the sudden appearance of the photograph as a positive - though possibly too coincidental - sign, given the friction between the two investigative forces post-Drexit. Whilst no-one was publicly ruling out the possibility of a real breakthrough a sceptical PC Noddana Wink said that "we've been here before and if this ongoing saga is to remain ongoing, the solution can't be as simple as this". "If this is true", says longtime Professor Thrupiece Is Either Alive Or Dead Conspiracy Theorist - Outa Getjer, "it would seem to prove that Elvis really had left the building and all those subsequent sightings - whacky as they seemed at the time - could be true. Who'd have thought it? Why the Prof could be sitting in some secret laboratory somewhere even as we speak. I'll bet he's working on kefir-infused fluff. Yes ... That's the kind of thing he'd be into if he was alive today... which I very much doubt."

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