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The Best Laid Plans ...

Updated: Dec 16, 2020

Today's planned panel discussion on CONTRIK-69 and How to Avoid Contracting It, organised by the University of Afpuddle and chaired by Grantham Capricorn, Pro-Vice Chancellor for Education, Research, Student Affairs and On-Campus Betting Services has been postponed indefinitely following news that three of the four panelists has tested positive for the virus. Immunologist Professor Vak Seen, Medical Statistician Dr Ry-Singh Kurv and Pandemic Modeller Di Fu-Shon are believed to be amongst those unexpectedly declared hors de combat only hours before today's virtual gathering.

The Great Heaving Conference Centre from which the Panel Discussion was to be virtually beamed.

Mrs Amanda J Threadbone whose company Threadbone Pharmaceuticals Ltd had sponsored the event said only that she was personally very disappointed by the decision not to go ahead ["as I understand it, one of them was still fine"] but declined to say whether any of those involved had received the company's recently rolled-out and quickly withdrawn vaccine. "That's a personal and confidential matter on which I would prefer not to comment", the award-winning entrepreneur, role-model and local celebrity said. Later, however, several members of Great Heaving's Turkish barbers community did come forward to say that at least three well-known local scientists had been visiting their premises on a three-hourly basis for all-over shaves. A coughing, sweating and short-breathed Mr Ali Baba owner of niche wet-shave and body-waxing emporium Shaves 'n Wax 'RUs said business was booming and that the 12 ounces of human hair he normally sent to wig makers each week had now grown to an unprecedented 40lbs.

Mr Baba's emporium with tell-tale signs that hair recycling rates are not keeping pace with a sudden increase in supplies.

The possibility that a re-scheduled discussion might take place at a future date has not been ruled out entirely, though organisers at the University of Afpuddle conceded that any such meeting might not be for some time. "At the very least we would need to allow the affected participants time to recover from the effects of the vaccine*, so that could be quite a while. In other words, don't hold your breath. They certainly can't".

* later corrected to virus

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